Can't sleep tonight

I have trouble sleeping every night, but this one in particular.
Disappearing and then reappearing.

When I hurt my ankle this past year, the pain was overwhelming. Many people told me that the older you are the more it hurts. Does that pertain to relationships too? That the older you get and the more involved you are, the more a break up hurts. In the beginning of the school week, I was actually afraid to go to school. Afraid. I woke up crying and dreading the day, wondering why. Why? Why do any of it? Someone told me that I have a gift. I never considered teaching a gift, but my body did what my mind couldn't. It went through the routine. My students were understanding and helpful. They counted when I couldn't. They were silent when I needed it the most. They were talkative and ....normal. Something I was not. My closest students, I found comfort in. My outgoing students even made me laugh and forget for a second how miserable I had been feeling.

Every day has gotten a little better. The mornings are still the worst. It's almost as if I have to command myself to wake up.

Drill team tryouts were this week. Practice everyday. This helped too.

Tuesday: I had dinner with Teri at Chili's. Afterwards I spoke with Diana. She had some really helpful advice. I miss her a lot. We were very close in college (and is one of the few people that actually read my blog :) Hi Di! )
Wednesday: I had a talk with Ronnie. We caught up on how each other's lives have changed. We both are in a strange place right now. We also reminisced about the past. It was nice to take a walk down memory lane to better years.
Thursday: Officer try-outs. Stayed at school late.
Friday: Line try-outs. Stayed at school very late.

And now here I am. 2 in the morning and can't sleep once again. It's a good thing I don't have to get up tomorrow morning.

My outlook has definitely gotten better. I don't dread work anymore. I look forward to it. It gives me strength to know that my student's missed me during the break.

Spring break: I always have terrible spring breaks. It's sad that I am developing a pattern.

I know the writing is sporadic....oh well....

My plan is set in motion. Can I find happiness? Will it find me? I know, I know stop looking. That's the hardest thing. Letting destiny take its place. I know what I need to do. I know what I want. Why is it so hard to come by?

House stuff: The backyard is pretty....but ....my vine died. my pretty yellow flowers are gone and the vine is all brown and dead. There is but one small growth which has grown from the trellis to the fence. It reached out. I don't know if there is enough time to save it. Save it from itself. From the other dead parts spreading their blackness. Only time will tell. am i still talking about the plant....
my sink is fixed. the garbage disposal was taken out. turns out that it had gone bad. so it was removed. it was bypassed. now there is a switch that turns on nothing. if something messes up do you fix it? or if it was beyond fixing, then do you just remove it in it's entirety? am i still talking about the plumming?

cant sleep tonight