One year ago this happened... I wrote a letter, but never sent it. I still feel the same. Since then Jaycie has moved schools and is pretty happy.
My one regret: Not sending this letter to the intended recipient.
I'm putting it out there today.
Mrs. Sanchez,
In regards to our exchange this morning I wanted to write
you and hopefully allow my voice to be heard.
First of all let me tell you a little bit about myself. I have been a teacher for La Joya ISD for 13
years now. I teach high school dance and drill team. I have worked at one (high school) for 11 of
those years. I know a little bit about
loyalty and in teaching drill team I have had more than my fair share of parent
conferences. Never, in my 13 years of
teaching, have I ever spoken to a parent the way that you did to me this
morning on December 14, 2018. You were
combative, dismissive and interrupted me every chance you got. I went to you because a) as an educator I
follow the chain of command and go to you first b) maybe, just maybe, I was
wrong in my feelings and Jaycie wasn’t the only one excluded from her class c)
I wanted to discuss with you how I felt.
I didn’t go in ready for an argument.
I was very much thrown off in how many excuses you presented and how
dismissive you were right from the start.
You made me very angry and hurt when you said “I’m sorry, but….” To me that is not a sincere
apology. I expressed this to you the
best way I could by comparing our “relationship” to any kind of
relationship. Husband to wife. Friend to friend. Parent
to child. Teacher to parent. In any functional relationship there needs to
be things in place to function properly. There needs to be trust. There needs to be communication. There needs to be apologies that are sincere
and meaningful. I felt that today I
didn’t not receive a meaningful apology from you. You literally told me “I’m sorry you’re upset”. In my book that is the worst way to apologize
to someone. Someone who you trusts you
with her daughter every day. Someone who
will fight tooth and nail for her. I
don’t spend a lot of time with my daughter because of my job. I worked all of football season from 6 am to
5 pm every day and sometimes on game days wouldn’t get home till past
midnight. IF you noticed almost all
first semester my husband had to bring her to school. I would pick her up and the car ride home is
where I get to communicate with my daughter.
My ONLY daughter. A few weeks ago
she started telling me, “Mama, I want to be a speaker”. I asked her what she meant. She explained in the play she was not
speaking. This is around the time I sent
my husband to speak to you. He does not
communicate the way that I would. When
he asked questions you told him that some students were chosen because they
memorized the passages faster. You
neglected to tell him that EVERY SINGLE GIRL had a speaking role except
Jaycie. But then again, why would you
think about this? I actually did ask,
how many speaking roles where there? Was
the whole class speakers? How many girls
in her class were angels? Of course, my
husband did not know these answers so he couldn’t respond. Shame on me for not bringing my concerns to
you first but then again you have never been warm or receptive or even come to
the door to greet me when I drop her off.
Jaycie asked several times about being a speaker. To me this, in hindsight, must have been the
biggest red flag that she was being excluded.
Someone must have been saying … go over there with the other kids. You’re an “angel” not a “speaker”. Don’t sit here with your class they are
speakers. To do this to a child is
wrong. A 3 year old had a speaking role. We have been attending agape for 3 years
now. This was probably his first
year. This will be Jaycie’s last year to
be able to participate in the pre k Christmas program. Do you know what it must have felt like for a
parent to get advised to sit on the left side to better see your child and then
to realize that that in itself was a lie.
Do you know what it feels like to drop off your child on the day of the
pageant and to see every single girl in her class to be in beautiful red dresses
and golden tiaras and Jaycie to be in a simple white leotard. Do you know what it feels like to have your
child be staged so that you couldn’t even see her because of her height as she
walks across the stage because the girl that was downstage of her was taller? Do you know what if feels like as a parent to
have so many unhappy pictures of your child at the Christmas pageant? Mainly because your child (for the short time
of the concert) IS UNHAPPY? No you don’t know what any of these feelings
are because you probably have never experienced them. If you had then you would have been more
sensitive to the fact that what you did was bully a child. Exclusion is a form of bullying. And for it to come from an adult is
appalling. It broke my heart to see what
my daughter meant by “speaker”. For her
to practice “Happy Birthday Jesus” every day in the car ride home only to learn
it was a solo from a kid in her class.
Did you ever stop to think of a solution? Did you ever say.. Hey this kid has a
speaking role AND a singing solo. Maybe
let the last girl in the pk4 class have the speaking part. Or maybe create a new part? Or perhaps let the 3 year old that welcomed
everyone possibly do it next year. And
let Jaycie have her one and only fleeting moment in the sun? No ….. Jaycie didn’t get that moment. It was stolen from her because SOMEONE [YOU]
assumed she wouldn’t be able to rise to the occasion. Someone [YOU] assumed her potential and
determined her lacking. When we had our
parent teacher conference I took to heart what you recommended. We went home and posted numbers around the
house to help our child learn her numbers.
We ALSO were delighted to hear that “Jaycie has a really good memory and
always memorizes her bible verses” Didn’t you tell us this at the meeting? I wish I had kept all those silly
certificates that said she memorized the bible verses. Because then you wouldn’t be able to use that
as an argument. Didn’t you say at the
meeting that Jaycie loves to sing and dance?
Don’t you think it would have been cute had Jaycie sang the song. I know she can. Because I helped her every day. Every. Single. Day. Last year when Jaycie was instructed to buy a
bunny costume for Christmas I admit... I was a little bit taken back. Why a bunny in a Christmas concert. I admit dropping her off that I was a little
bit jealous of the other kids when I saw them all dressed up in tutus and
tiaras because they were ballerinas and dolls and Jaycie was a bunny. …BUT when
I saw the pageant. I understood…… they
all had their special parts to play and all had featured dances within those
parts. Would I have liked for her to
look pretty in a ballerina costume? Sure
… but DAMN Jaycie was the best bunny there ever was and played the shit out of
that role. And I had next year to look
forward to as a parent dressing my daughter up to be beautiful.
I will be the first one, as a drill team director, to know
and understand the concept of parts. I
deal with it every day. I give my kids a
piece... They take it home... Work on it on their own. Come back... Audition...
If the child doesn’t get the part… well at least they had a fair chance. Where was Jaycies fair chance? Was the passage sent home to be memorized? No.
Did we get an opportunity to help our daughter succeed? No.
But right now it doesn’t even matter how many solutions we
have come up with because it already happened... the damage has been done.
What bothers me more is how
you have handled the situation and our conversation. I’m going to be honest with you.. I don’t
like you. I don’t like how you have
handled most situations and conversations that we have had.
I have looked at other schools and will determine the next
course of action that best fits my daughter’s needs and wants.
I hope, truly hope, that as a parent you never have to
experience what I experienced this past week.
-Erika K. Gutierrez
Jaycie’s MAMA BEAR
