One year ago this happened... I wrote a letter, but never sent it.  I still feel the same.  Since then Jaycie has moved schools and is pretty happy.

My one regret:  Not sending this letter to the intended recipient.

I'm putting it out there today.

Mrs. Sanchez,

In regards to our exchange this morning I wanted to write you and hopefully allow my voice to be heard.

First of all let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I have been a teacher for La Joya ISD for 13 years now. I teach high school dance and drill team.  I have worked at one (high school) for 11 of those years.  I know a little bit about loyalty and in teaching drill team I have had more than my fair share of parent conferences.  Never, in my 13 years of teaching, have I ever spoken to a parent the way that you did to me this morning on December 14, 2018.  You were combative, dismissive and interrupted me every chance you got.  I went to you because a) as an educator I follow the chain of command and go to you first b) maybe, just maybe, I was wrong in my feelings and Jaycie wasn’t the only one excluded from her class c) I wanted to discuss with you how I felt.  I didn’t go in ready for an argument.  I was very much thrown off in how many excuses you presented and how dismissive you were right from the start.  You made me very angry and hurt when you said “I’m sorry, but….” To me that is not a sincere apology.  I expressed this to you the best way I could by comparing our “relationship” to any kind of relationship.  Husband to wife.  Friend to friend.   Parent to child.  Teacher to parent.  In any functional relationship there needs to be things in place to function properly.  There needs to be trust.  There needs to be communication.  There needs to be apologies that are sincere and meaningful.  I felt that today I didn’t not receive a meaningful apology from you.  You literally told me “I’m sorry you’re upset”.  In my book that is the worst way to apologize to someone.  Someone who you trusts you with her daughter every day.  Someone who will fight tooth and nail for her.  I don’t spend a lot of time with my daughter because of my job.  I worked all of football season from 6 am to 5 pm every day and sometimes on game days wouldn’t get home till past midnight.  IF you noticed almost all first semester my husband had to bring her to school.  I would pick her up and the car ride home is where I get to communicate with my daughter.  My ONLY daughter.  A few weeks ago she started telling me, “Mama, I want to be a speaker”.  I asked her what she meant.  She explained in the play she was not speaking.  This is around the time I sent my husband to speak to you.  He does not communicate the way that I would.  When he asked questions you told him that some students were chosen because they memorized the passages faster.  You neglected to tell him that EVERY SINGLE GIRL had a speaking role except Jaycie.  But then again, why would you think about this?  I actually did ask, how many speaking roles where there?  Was the whole class speakers?  How many girls in her class were angels?  Of course, my husband did not know these answers so he couldn’t respond.  Shame on me for not bringing my concerns to you first but then again you have never been warm or receptive or even come to the door to greet me when I drop her off.  Jaycie asked several times about being a speaker.  To me this, in hindsight, must have been the biggest red flag that she was being excluded.  Someone must have been saying … go over there with the other kids.  You’re an “angel” not a “speaker”.  Don’t sit here with your class they are speakers.  To do this to a child is wrong.  A 3 year old had a speaking role.  We have been attending agape for 3 years now.  This was probably his first year.  This will be Jaycie’s last year to be able to participate in the pre k Christmas program.  Do you know what it must have felt like for a parent to get advised to sit on the left side to better see your child and then to realize that that in itself was a lie.  Do you know what it feels like to drop off your child on the day of the pageant and to see every single girl in her class to be in beautiful red dresses and golden tiaras and Jaycie to be in a simple white leotard.  Do you know what it feels like to have your child be staged so that you couldn’t even see her because of her height as she walks across the stage because the girl that was downstage of her was taller?  Do you know what if feels like as a parent to have so many unhappy pictures of your child at the Christmas pageant?  Mainly because your child (for the short time of the concert) IS UNHAPPY?  No you don’t know what any of these feelings are because you probably have never experienced them.  If you had then you would have been more sensitive to the fact that what you did was bully a child.  Exclusion is a form of bullying.  And for it to come from an adult is appalling.  It broke my heart to see what my daughter meant by “speaker”.  For her to practice “Happy Birthday Jesus” every day in the car ride home only to learn it was a solo from a kid in her class. 

Did you ever stop to think of a solution?  Did you ever say.. Hey this kid has a speaking role AND a singing solo.  Maybe let the last girl in the pk4 class have the speaking part.  Or maybe create a new part?  Or perhaps let the 3 year old that welcomed everyone possibly do it next year.  And let Jaycie have her one and only fleeting moment in the sun?  No ….. Jaycie didn’t get that moment.  It was stolen from her because SOMEONE [YOU] assumed she wouldn’t be able to rise to the occasion.  Someone [YOU] assumed her potential and determined her lacking.  When we had our parent teacher conference I took to heart what you recommended.  We went home and posted numbers around the house to help our child learn her numbers.  We ALSO were delighted to hear that “Jaycie has a really good memory and always memorizes her bible verses” Didn’t you tell us this at the meeting?  I wish I had kept all those silly certificates that said she memorized the bible verses.  Because then you wouldn’t be able to use that as an argument.  Didn’t you say at the meeting that Jaycie loves to sing and dance?  Don’t you think it would have been cute had Jaycie sang the song.  I know she can.  Because I helped her every day.  Every. Single. Day.  Last year when Jaycie was instructed to buy a bunny costume for Christmas I admit... I was a little bit taken back.  Why a bunny in a Christmas concert.  I admit dropping her off that I was a little bit jealous of the other kids when I saw them all dressed up in tutus and tiaras because they were ballerinas and dolls and Jaycie was a bunny. …BUT when I saw the pageant.  I understood…… they all had their special parts to play and all had featured dances within those parts.  Would I have liked for her to look pretty in a ballerina costume?  Sure … but DAMN Jaycie was the best bunny there ever was and played the shit out of that role.  And I had next year to look forward to as a parent dressing my daughter up to be beautiful. 

I will be the first one, as a drill team director, to know and understand the concept of parts.  I deal with it every day.  I give my kids a piece... They take it home... Work on it on their own. Come back... Audition... If the child doesn’t get the part… well at least they had a fair chance.  Where was Jaycies fair chance?  Was the passage sent home to be memorized? No.  Did we get an opportunity to help our daughter succeed? No.

But right now it doesn’t even matter how many solutions we have come up with because it already happened... the damage has been done.

What bothers me more is how you have handled the situation and our conversation.  I’m going to be honest with you.. I don’t like you.  I don’t like how you have handled most situations and conversations that we have had.

I have looked at other schools and will determine the next course of action that best fits my daughter’s needs and wants. 

I hope, truly hope, that as a parent you never have to experience what I experienced this past week.

-Erika K. Gutierrez

Jaycie’s MAMA BEAR