"You increase your joy by increasing the pure joy of others."
Torkom Saraydarian (1917-1997) scholar and sacred music composer
The hurdles have been jumped. The semester is over. It's only Wednesday, and I feel exhausted. It was the longest week ever. Sunday night I prepared to teach the kick routine for competition, only I didn't. I cut the music Sunday afternoon, then had things to do at night. By the time I got home, it was late and I knew I wasn't going to be able to think and "write". I went to bed telling myself that I can do it during my lunch hour. Monday was horrible. I woke up late, first of all, and second of all I forgot my phone at home (because I was rushing). So instead of eating during my lunch time, I rushed home to get my cell phone, then when I was "supposed" to be at lunch duty, I hid in my room and frantically tried to come up with as much as I could. I got to about half way done, when the bell rang for my 5th period to start. Luckily, they were taking a final, which meant that after they were done, I had approximately 5-10 mins. to work on the piece. School ended at 4:30 and I worked until 4:50 to try to finish the dance. I wrote about 6 pages down and left some spots open, but it was finished. I quickly ran over to start teaching at 5:00. I had never in my life been so pressured and nervous to teach a stupid dance. Every year for the past three years, I have taught the kick routine at La Joya. I have always said it was a pleasure to work with them, because they are so talented. That has not been a lie. I always gave them my best. They have gotten hundreds of compliments at competition and on the field. Which meant that this year I was going to have to live up to every ones standards and hopefully go beyond. I guess that is why I was so nervous. Nevertheless the dance is good. It has room for improvement, but that is what practice is for.
After that, I left early to rush to another practice of my own. A week ago I agreed to perform with the Dorados at a basketball game for Edinburg. I graduated from Edinburg, so going back is always a plus.....turns out that it wasn't. I am not in shape. I have recently been going to the gym to prepare for tryouts in Jan. but to dance a week later, i was not prepared for. Out of the three dances we did, I only remembered one of them. One because I was in Washington, D.C. at the time and the other because I learned when I had come back (I was placed in the back, and didn't need to remember the dance, because I was looking at the people in front of me...bad dancer...lol). So I pretty much needed to learn a min routine and a halftime routine in one night and perform the next day. I thank Christina for having patience with me. :) I got home around 9:30.
I still need to eat dinner and start my grades. Grades were due the next morning and if any one is or was a teacher...you can sympathize. I stayed up until 2:30 to finish. It would have gone much faster if I wasn't watching a movie at the time. I finally saw The Devil wears Prada. It was good, but I have some opinions about the ending.
The next day...I dressed up and took my secret elf gift to school. We were supposed to have a luncheon on Tuesday to reveal our secret elfs and give them their gifts. Turns out that the fine arts luncheon was also that day at the same time as was the Jewelette Christmas party. I was planning on going to the fine arts for half an hour, arriving at Jimmy Carter for the gift exchange and quickly going to the drill team party to finish off my day there. Yea....plans...I hate making plans because they never seem to go the way I want. As I was walking to the school (my classroom is in a different building than the rest of school) to leave my gift, just in case I didn't get back in time, I entered and got stopped right in my tracks. The party was in the middle of school with table and chairs all set up. There were two serving tables filled with food, buffet style. Everyone was there. You know that feeling of nervousness on the first day of high school, when you walk into the cafeteria and don't know a soul.....well de ja vu....that feeling was there for me. Instead of being brave and finding a friend ....I turned around and exited the way I came. I was going to go to the fine arts banquet, where at least I knew someone. Nope. Plans didn't work out. I got locked out of my building. I tried going around ....but none of the doors were unlocked. I don't have a key...so I had to shamelessly go back to the faculty party.
Turns out I found someone I knew and she made me feel comfortable. Mrs. Contreas (my principal) played Santa and passed out the secret elf gifts. At my other campus we personally gave our secret elf our final gift revealing who we were....here Mrs. Contreas passed out the gifts ....I didn't know I was supposed to put my name on it. I wrote...To: Ms. Glenda Kneblick From: Your Secret Elf......When I saw her receive her gift she looked at the card and then opened the present. I was watching from across the room. Luckily she was standing up as she opened her gift so I didn't look like a total stalker. She opened her gift and pulled out the cds first. She looked happy and passed them around the table. Then she opened her box. She pulled out the ceramic kitty (she loves cats) and from lip reading I heard her say ...."Oh, its a picture frame!" She then passed that around her table as well. I saw her eyes scan around the room wondering who had given her the gift. I then considered leaving it a secret, but she packed up her things and started wandering around the room. She was looking for her secret elf. I kept my eyes on her the entire time. She then came close to me ...and a table next to mine asked her what she got. She then started to show the ladies and as they were asking, "Who gave it to you?"...her eyes fell on mine. She raised her eye brows and asked, "Was it you?" All I could do was smile and nod my head....she must have asked me several times ...because I had to keep nodding yes. She then started to tell me that she loved the cds and how did I know she loved cats ...then she asked me to go to her ....she wanted to show me something. I walked over to her, and she opened her bag. "Look!" , she showed everyone sitting near us all the items I had given her over the past week. She took out everything and told me that when she was stressed that she takes everything out and holds it and it makes her feel better. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and tell her that I was so grateful that someone appreciated me. After a terrible semester, of moving around...getting hurt....being in an accident...and after that terrible feeling of being alone at school...that it was nice to know that someone, somewhere appreciated me. Even if it was of the silly little stuffed animals I gave her. She said, "I would hug you, but I'm very sick and don't want to get you sick as well"......I told her I didn't care and gave her a big hug.
That night, I had to go home and get ready for the basketball performance. I haven't put that much makeup on and actually fixed my hair in about 4 months (and that's because someone else used to do it for me). It took some time, but I managed to look nice. I arrived late as usual, but I was actually the 2nd one there. The basketball game was so unprofessional. Everything went wrong. We practiced three routines. One for in between the 1st and 2nd quarter, one for half time, and one for in between the 3rd and 4th quarter. The dj told us that there was already someone for the first time out. No biggie, one less dance to worry about. Halftime came. We performed and looked stupid, because the dj turned off our halftime routine early. As me and Daisy started to get up to "cheer" off the court...he continued it from where he left off. The volume was low. People weren't watching. In fact, we could hear them talking. It made us mad. All of us are used to the football games, where people stay quiet when we dance. Or at least turn up the music so we don't hear them. When we ran out for our last dance, he played the wrong song, making us start late, so they kept ringing the buzzer to let us know that our time was up and to get off the court. Looks like we are never going to Edinburg again. Not unless they have their sh!t together.
Its finally the last day of school. We had a field day. I got to play softball, students vs. teachers. I hit the ball. Yea me! That pretty much concludes the last day of school. Hopefully they will let us leave early. Either way....Im sneaking out. Marty arrives today and I cant wait to see him. I know he is tired and probably asleep right now. He finished his finals and the last two papers he need to write. I am so proud of him.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
No Jingle Bells!
Just a few more days and school will be over. I just have to jump over some hurdles before everything will come to an end. Its after 10 on a Sunday night and I am barely printing out my final for my students. Turns out that I "thought" I saved the file to my pen drive...but I didn't. It was to my computer. I also need to make up my dance routine that I am supposed to teach tomorrow. I always leave these things to the end. I wish that I didn't, but I always end up doing it no matter how hard I try. Hopefully I will be able to stay awake tonight to finish. I have had some practice on that area lately.
There was a parade this past Saturday. The drill team had to march. I guess that meant that the directors had to march as well. As I recall, my director never walked with us during the parade. She was always waiting for us on the other side. Maybe it was because the Edinburg parade was a lot longer walk and she was a bit older. It was hot. The girls were in windpants and very uncomfortable. The whole thing started an hour and a half late. Did it really matter who went first? From what I could see there were two floats and our band, colorguard, drill team, a little old couple in a funny car, and maybe a middle school team. We waved at the dogs in the yards. Some wanted to kill us. Others, just watch. There was even a wedding or a Quinceanera ("15th birthday") going on at a church and all the people turned around to watch. To be quite honest, the whole thing was a little sad, and silly. First of all, La Joya is one street. The expressway. Well we couldn't just close that off could we? So, someone randomly picked a road close to the school and we literally walked to the river. LOL. Or it felt like it. I did get my name called out, which was embarrasing.
Marty comes to the valley on Wednesday. I have been really looking foward to it, and now its finally here. Just a few more days.
Not looking forward to the beginning of the week, but very much looking forward to the end of the week.
There was a parade this past Saturday. The drill team had to march. I guess that meant that the directors had to march as well. As I recall, my director never walked with us during the parade. She was always waiting for us on the other side. Maybe it was because the Edinburg parade was a lot longer walk and she was a bit older. It was hot. The girls were in windpants and very uncomfortable. The whole thing started an hour and a half late. Did it really matter who went first? From what I could see there were two floats and our band, colorguard, drill team, a little old couple in a funny car, and maybe a middle school team. We waved at the dogs in the yards. Some wanted to kill us. Others, just watch. There was even a wedding or a Quinceanera ("15th birthday") going on at a church and all the people turned around to watch. To be quite honest, the whole thing was a little sad, and silly. First of all, La Joya is one street. The expressway. Well we couldn't just close that off could we? So, someone randomly picked a road close to the school and we literally walked to the river. LOL. Or it felt like it. I did get my name called out, which was embarrasing.
Marty comes to the valley on Wednesday. I have been really looking foward to it, and now its finally here. Just a few more days.
Not looking forward to the beginning of the week, but very much looking forward to the end of the week.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Secret Elf
I seriously need to catch up on writing.
Testing is over finally. Thank goodness. I swear if one more person had mistaken me for a student, I probably would have lost it. The weekend came and went. I spent most of Saturday in bed. I need to start my Christmas shopping. My promise to myself: No more spending an entire day in pj's! I did however get up early to teach a group of 3-5 year olds a cheer routine. (But I went back to bed) Now this is something new for me. I have never done cheer before. I have seen it and gone to competition before, so im not totally without. It was pretty fun. I had forgotten what it was like to work with 3 and 4 year olds. I swear to work with kids is just good for your soul. Especially at that age. I left the gym feeling very happy. Not because of the work I did (which turned out to be quite good), but because of the way you have to present your self to kids. It’s almost as if you’re putting on a show for them. It’s amazing.
On Sunday I helped make tamales at my grandma’s house. It’s something that happens once every year. Another tradition. I usually help out a little, but this year was extra special. Usually the adult women (my aunts, mom, and grandmother) are the ones who work. Everyone has their own job. [A lot of the words are in Spanish, and for the lack of my knowledge on how to spell things in Spanish ....im going to simply use English, so bear with me] One person cleans and soaks the Oujas (corn husks), one person spreads the masa on the corn husk, another rolls the meat in the tamale, another puts them into pots and steams them, another packs them in dozens. There are a total of 9 women that split up these jobs. This year there were 10. I helped out. My job was to clean and soak the corn husks. I stood the entire time, which left my back in pain. I arrived at 9:30 in the morning and left around 4:30. With two breaks, and what must have been at least a thousand tamales later, I was beat. I must say that I did get to bond with my grandma more, which was a big plus. I heard lots of gossip and got to inform people of what I wanted for Christmas. All in all, I had a very good time. I can only hope that the tradition will be passed down to my children. There was talk of no longer doing it, or not doing as many. I really hope that doesn't happen. [It was nice to be appreciated, thanks Richie.]
I also started the last full week of school, which seems to be crawling by. My dance tech. students performed at the Fall Dance Concert Recital for La Joya. Every school brings dance classes to perform. My students did an excellent job. Congratulations! I am happy that this year, I was a lot more calm and stress-free. I guess teaching high school has its advantages. I noticed a lot of stressed-out-looking middle school teachers. My students were just great. There was this one time where I thought I lost them. I looked everywhere for them. Just before I started to panic, they found me and stated that they were outside practicing. This made me even more proud.
I woke up this morning feeling like a terrible person. I had forgotten my secret elf. Yesterday, after school we were given our secret elf. Starting the next day for a week, we were to give a $1.00 gift to that person, then present them with the real gift on Wed. of next week. With the concert on my top priority, it totally slipped my mind. Thank goodness for lunch hours. I made it up in the afternoon. Hopefully she was happy.
After school, I headed over to Roger and Norma's house (My Dad's co-worker and friend) where my parents were. They were making steak and invited me over. I got to see their beautiful new house. We even played pool. I lost. I hate to lose. I blame it on not playing with my pool stick.
One last note: It has come to my knowledge that more and more people are reading this blog. I hope that I have not offended anyone with my comments, or opinions. It's just a one sided story. To be quite honest, it is my life. You can choose to read it, or you can simply close the window. If you like what I write then great, but i'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. It helps to let things out, even if it is just words on a webpage.
Testing is over finally. Thank goodness. I swear if one more person had mistaken me for a student, I probably would have lost it. The weekend came and went. I spent most of Saturday in bed. I need to start my Christmas shopping. My promise to myself: No more spending an entire day in pj's! I did however get up early to teach a group of 3-5 year olds a cheer routine. (But I went back to bed) Now this is something new for me. I have never done cheer before. I have seen it and gone to competition before, so im not totally without. It was pretty fun. I had forgotten what it was like to work with 3 and 4 year olds. I swear to work with kids is just good for your soul. Especially at that age. I left the gym feeling very happy. Not because of the work I did (which turned out to be quite good), but because of the way you have to present your self to kids. It’s almost as if you’re putting on a show for them. It’s amazing.
On Sunday I helped make tamales at my grandma’s house. It’s something that happens once every year. Another tradition. I usually help out a little, but this year was extra special. Usually the adult women (my aunts, mom, and grandmother) are the ones who work. Everyone has their own job. [A lot of the words are in Spanish, and for the lack of my knowledge on how to spell things in Spanish ....im going to simply use English, so bear with me] One person cleans and soaks the Oujas (corn husks), one person spreads the masa on the corn husk, another rolls the meat in the tamale, another puts them into pots and steams them, another packs them in dozens. There are a total of 9 women that split up these jobs. This year there were 10. I helped out. My job was to clean and soak the corn husks. I stood the entire time, which left my back in pain. I arrived at 9:30 in the morning and left around 4:30. With two breaks, and what must have been at least a thousand tamales later, I was beat. I must say that I did get to bond with my grandma more, which was a big plus. I heard lots of gossip and got to inform people of what I wanted for Christmas. All in all, I had a very good time. I can only hope that the tradition will be passed down to my children. There was talk of no longer doing it, or not doing as many. I really hope that doesn't happen. [It was nice to be appreciated, thanks Richie.]
I also started the last full week of school, which seems to be crawling by. My dance tech. students performed at the Fall Dance Concert Recital for La Joya. Every school brings dance classes to perform. My students did an excellent job. Congratulations! I am happy that this year, I was a lot more calm and stress-free. I guess teaching high school has its advantages. I noticed a lot of stressed-out-looking middle school teachers. My students were just great. There was this one time where I thought I lost them. I looked everywhere for them. Just before I started to panic, they found me and stated that they were outside practicing. This made me even more proud.
I woke up this morning feeling like a terrible person. I had forgotten my secret elf. Yesterday, after school we were given our secret elf. Starting the next day for a week, we were to give a $1.00 gift to that person, then present them with the real gift on Wed. of next week. With the concert on my top priority, it totally slipped my mind. Thank goodness for lunch hours. I made it up in the afternoon. Hopefully she was happy.
After school, I headed over to Roger and Norma's house (My Dad's co-worker and friend) where my parents were. They were making steak and invited me over. I got to see their beautiful new house. We even played pool. I lost. I hate to lose. I blame it on not playing with my pool stick.
One last note: It has come to my knowledge that more and more people are reading this blog. I hope that I have not offended anyone with my comments, or opinions. It's just a one sided story. To be quite honest, it is my life. You can choose to read it, or you can simply close the window. If you like what I write then great, but i'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. It helps to let things out, even if it is just words on a webpage.
Friday, December 8, 2006
Benchmark Testing
I am feeling a little bit better now. I had a full nights sleep. I don't feel as tired as I did yesterday. I did have to cancel the solo private I had scheduled for yesterday. Its actually the last one as far as me teaching it to her. The rest is the easy part, cleaning it up. The students are bench mark testing. This means they practice taking different tests in order to help them prepare for the taks test coming up next semester. It also gives the faculty a chance to practice administering the tests. Since I am not a core teacher, they gave me the job of a procter. This means I have to sit outside a group of doors and help the teachers out whenever needed. For example, if a teacher needs more pencils, i have to run upstairs and get some. If a teacher needs to locate a missing student, I do it. If the teacher needs a bathroom break, I watch the class. You get the picture. [As much as I complain, this is loads better than last year. Last year, at my old school, all the classes were located outside. This meant that all the procters were sitting outside in the cold and rain, freezing to death. Wow, it wasn't that long ago, but it feels like forever.] There are also scheduled 15 min. breaks and lunch breaks that the teachers take, in which I relieve them. My first day, I guess I read the (very confusing) schedule and mix up my lunch break with my teacher that is assigned to me. Opps. My bad. I got in trouble the next day. The next day, everything runs smoothly. The third day, one of my assigned teachers decides he is going to take a 25 min break instead of 15, which makes me late for my other teachers. Again, I get in trouble. Seems like I can't do anything right these days. I hate getting in trouble. I had never received a "memo" until I came to the High School. I still don't think it was fair either. I got a memo for missing a safety meeting. I missed the meeting because I had my wisdom teeth pulled out. Geez, you would think that would excuse me, but it didn't. I got the memo anyway. There are other reasons as to why I feel like im not myself these days. It's good to know that in two weeks, school will be out and Christmas will be here.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
The Accident
I haven’t gotten a chance to write in a few days. I can only hope that this will help things get better…
I was coming home from work. I left school right on time, which means the traffic was not bad. Turns out that earlier in the day I had left my purse at home. When I realized this, it was too late to go home and get it. My first thought was….I better drive the speed limit, my second thought was I better not have an accident, and my third thought was…how am I going to eat lunch? Luckily I had six dollars in my desk, which I used to buy my meal.
Back to my accident…
So I was on my way home, and almost there when it happened… About a block away from my house I stopped behind a black SUV at a red light. When the light turned green, and I saw him start to move, I started to move, then I looked down for a brief moment. That’s all that it took. A second. In a flash I had hit him. The collision wasn’t even that bad. I thought we would move to the side and exchange phone numbers or something. Reminder: This was my first accident. But instead, he got off his SUV and started to inspect the damage. I got off and quickly called 911. [Now I thought that the 911 operators were supposed to calm and soothe a person in trouble. This shows how little I know about accidents. First, I couldn’t hear him, and when I could hear him, he yelled at me. Not very nice] I looked at his car first. Unbelievably, his vehicle was fine. Not even a dent. That’s when I noticed the steam coming from my car. I turned around and it was all I could do to keep the tears from streaming down my face. My beautiful Land Rover was caved in so that it looked like a broken smile with braces hanging down. The man I hit suggested we move off the street before we cause another accident. It was a miracle that my car was drivable. The police came and made a report. Turns out the guy I hit had his wife and kids in the car with him. This made me feel even worse. I managed to keep control and call my dad as soon as possible. I needed him to go to my house and pick up my license that the cop needed. He came and picked up my remote control, and as soon as I saw him, he asked if I was ok. I was ok, …until he asked me. I wanted to break down so bad, but he raised his eyebrows and said to stop. I don’t think my dad likes to see us cry. So, I held it in. My dads’ friend really helped us out a lot. He came and picked up my car and is going to help me fix it. He owns his own car lot. With my dads help I got into a rental car before six o’clock. As soon as we were on our way to pick up the car, I asked if I could “fall apart” now. I did. I cried finally. But not totally….I was still with my dad. He was worried that I would not be able to drive home, so I had to control myself even longer. I got home and in the comfort of my pillows, I let it out. I cried so hard that I had to gasp for air. I was so scared. There were children in the car. Someone could have been hurt. Seriously hurt. My mind was somewhere else when I was driving.
I was actually thinking of how much I was going to allow myself to spend on Christmas presents. I was thinking about money. I was thinking how I was going to pay off my credit card. BAM! Another expense.
I know it has nothing to do with the accident but after I got home, I noticed I wasn’t wearing my cross. I’m not sure why I didn’t have it, but it was another reason why I didn’t go to sleep feeling ok.
My parents called an hour later, and explained that they were on their way with dinner. I know it was because they didn’t want me to be alone. We talked about accidents in general and about different topics. It made me feel a little better, but I still took a Tylenol to relieve the headache I had from crying. They left and I sat on the couch and talked to Marty about the evening. As I was talking to Marty, my back started to cramp up. I couldn’t walk or move or bend. I took a muscle relax-er. It was probably not the best idea. It relaxed my back, but I had trouble sleeping. I felt dizzy and nauseated. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke up an hour later crying from the most awful dream.
I know this is getting to be a novel…but if you are reading this you can totally stop and get back to doing whatever you were doing. I just need to get this out of my head. I can’t take another sleepless night.
The Dream…….
It was actually a continuation from my accident. After my accident, my dad drove me to enterprise to rent a car. This is where it started to change. They gave me a very fast sports car. Stick shift. I have driven a stick shift before but even in my dream, I was shaky. I actually avoided several other accidents. We were on our way to my grandmas house (I was following my dad) and as I started to get in the turning lane, a car cut me off and ran the red. I came to a stop. Just then a news reporter drove up beside me and asked me to pull over. They wanted to interview me and ask why I was driving so fast. I tried to explain that it wasn’t my car, and that it wasn’t me that was driving so fast, but they didn’t believe me. They tried to get my story straight but when they couldn’t understand me, they started yelling at me. After they let me leave, I wanted to take back roads so that I wouldn’t call attention to myself. It got suddenly very dark, and I started passing a lot of gangs. People saw the car and tried to chase me for it. The car somehow turned into a futuristic silver hover glider thingy. I could run on foot or be pulled by the car. I kept turning and taking different pathways trying my hardest to get to my grandma’s house. A girl up ahead saw me and cut me off. It was then that the stupid car wouldn’t work. She caught me and tried to beat me up. I tried to defend myself and in doing so I ended up killing her. A headline flashed in my dream “you take the dead with you” and suddenly I became her. I was chasing myself. I was haunting myself. I could still feel the panic that someone was chasing me…but I was watching myself run. I hovered over and into the house before my human self could. I hid on top of a dresser that was located in my grandmother’s room (where I knew my human self would go). As I heard myself come inside panting and running ….I prepared to pounce. I saw the top of my head run inside and I started to float down. Just when my human self looked up and screamed, I screamed and woke myself up. I felt as though someone did take over my body. I was sweating and my chest was heaving. I cried yet again. I sat up and sobbed and sobbed. I didn’t know why. Don’t ask me why. I still don’t know. What I did know is that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t because I know from experience that sometimes we just go back to the same dream over and over. I couldn’t. I woke up from my dream at four in the morning. I stayed up. In the dark. Eyes open, because if I closed them I was afraid. Afraid from the day. Afraid that I might fall back asleep.
Needless to say, I am dragging today. I still feel uneasy, but at least I don’t have people asking if I am “okay”. No one knows here at school. It’s better that way. I considered taking half the day off to go home and sleep, but decided against it. I’m still scared to sleep.
I was coming home from work. I left school right on time, which means the traffic was not bad. Turns out that earlier in the day I had left my purse at home. When I realized this, it was too late to go home and get it. My first thought was….I better drive the speed limit, my second thought was I better not have an accident, and my third thought was…how am I going to eat lunch? Luckily I had six dollars in my desk, which I used to buy my meal.
Back to my accident…
So I was on my way home, and almost there when it happened… About a block away from my house I stopped behind a black SUV at a red light. When the light turned green, and I saw him start to move, I started to move, then I looked down for a brief moment. That’s all that it took. A second. In a flash I had hit him. The collision wasn’t even that bad. I thought we would move to the side and exchange phone numbers or something. Reminder: This was my first accident. But instead, he got off his SUV and started to inspect the damage. I got off and quickly called 911. [Now I thought that the 911 operators were supposed to calm and soothe a person in trouble. This shows how little I know about accidents. First, I couldn’t hear him, and when I could hear him, he yelled at me. Not very nice] I looked at his car first. Unbelievably, his vehicle was fine. Not even a dent. That’s when I noticed the steam coming from my car. I turned around and it was all I could do to keep the tears from streaming down my face. My beautiful Land Rover was caved in so that it looked like a broken smile with braces hanging down. The man I hit suggested we move off the street before we cause another accident. It was a miracle that my car was drivable. The police came and made a report. Turns out the guy I hit had his wife and kids in the car with him. This made me feel even worse. I managed to keep control and call my dad as soon as possible. I needed him to go to my house and pick up my license that the cop needed. He came and picked up my remote control, and as soon as I saw him, he asked if I was ok. I was ok, …until he asked me. I wanted to break down so bad, but he raised his eyebrows and said to stop. I don’t think my dad likes to see us cry. So, I held it in. My dads’ friend really helped us out a lot. He came and picked up my car and is going to help me fix it. He owns his own car lot. With my dads help I got into a rental car before six o’clock. As soon as we were on our way to pick up the car, I asked if I could “fall apart” now. I did. I cried finally. But not totally….I was still with my dad. He was worried that I would not be able to drive home, so I had to control myself even longer. I got home and in the comfort of my pillows, I let it out. I cried so hard that I had to gasp for air. I was so scared. There were children in the car. Someone could have been hurt. Seriously hurt. My mind was somewhere else when I was driving.
I was actually thinking of how much I was going to allow myself to spend on Christmas presents. I was thinking about money. I was thinking how I was going to pay off my credit card. BAM! Another expense.
I know it has nothing to do with the accident but after I got home, I noticed I wasn’t wearing my cross. I’m not sure why I didn’t have it, but it was another reason why I didn’t go to sleep feeling ok.
My parents called an hour later, and explained that they were on their way with dinner. I know it was because they didn’t want me to be alone. We talked about accidents in general and about different topics. It made me feel a little better, but I still took a Tylenol to relieve the headache I had from crying. They left and I sat on the couch and talked to Marty about the evening. As I was talking to Marty, my back started to cramp up. I couldn’t walk or move or bend. I took a muscle relax-er. It was probably not the best idea. It relaxed my back, but I had trouble sleeping. I felt dizzy and nauseated. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke up an hour later crying from the most awful dream.
I know this is getting to be a novel…but if you are reading this you can totally stop and get back to doing whatever you were doing. I just need to get this out of my head. I can’t take another sleepless night.
The Dream…….
It was actually a continuation from my accident. After my accident, my dad drove me to enterprise to rent a car. This is where it started to change. They gave me a very fast sports car. Stick shift. I have driven a stick shift before but even in my dream, I was shaky. I actually avoided several other accidents. We were on our way to my grandmas house (I was following my dad) and as I started to get in the turning lane, a car cut me off and ran the red. I came to a stop. Just then a news reporter drove up beside me and asked me to pull over. They wanted to interview me and ask why I was driving so fast. I tried to explain that it wasn’t my car, and that it wasn’t me that was driving so fast, but they didn’t believe me. They tried to get my story straight but when they couldn’t understand me, they started yelling at me. After they let me leave, I wanted to take back roads so that I wouldn’t call attention to myself. It got suddenly very dark, and I started passing a lot of gangs. People saw the car and tried to chase me for it. The car somehow turned into a futuristic silver hover glider thingy. I could run on foot or be pulled by the car. I kept turning and taking different pathways trying my hardest to get to my grandma’s house. A girl up ahead saw me and cut me off. It was then that the stupid car wouldn’t work. She caught me and tried to beat me up. I tried to defend myself and in doing so I ended up killing her. A headline flashed in my dream “you take the dead with you” and suddenly I became her. I was chasing myself. I was haunting myself. I could still feel the panic that someone was chasing me…but I was watching myself run. I hovered over and into the house before my human self could. I hid on top of a dresser that was located in my grandmother’s room (where I knew my human self would go). As I heard myself come inside panting and running ….I prepared to pounce. I saw the top of my head run inside and I started to float down. Just when my human self looked up and screamed, I screamed and woke myself up. I felt as though someone did take over my body. I was sweating and my chest was heaving. I cried yet again. I sat up and sobbed and sobbed. I didn’t know why. Don’t ask me why. I still don’t know. What I did know is that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t because I know from experience that sometimes we just go back to the same dream over and over. I couldn’t. I woke up from my dream at four in the morning. I stayed up. In the dark. Eyes open, because if I closed them I was afraid. Afraid from the day. Afraid that I might fall back asleep.
Needless to say, I am dragging today. I still feel uneasy, but at least I don’t have people asking if I am “okay”. No one knows here at school. It’s better that way. I considered taking half the day off to go home and sleep, but decided against it. I’m still scared to sleep.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Traditions
I am really sad that my squarespace is ending in 7 days. It was only a trial account and if I want to continue using it, I have to pay. Seeing as how I don't have any money right now, it seems like im going to have to stick with blogger. What I liked about squarespace was the simplicity of it all. It had easy to follow directions and pop up information. It would let me post from school which is a big plus. I had pictures up. It had spell check for me. It let me put things in bold and italic. Im sure blogger lets a person do some of these things too, its just that I haven't figured it out.
Today I went out and bought a Christmas tree. I recently got paid, so I finally had the money to do it. I had ornaments, garland, and a tree skirt that I had purchased a few months ago. All that was missing was a tree. Instead of going store to store to find the perfect tree, I did my homework online. I found that Lowes had higher prices but did offer a free home delivery service (which was benifical to me, seeing as I had no way to get the tree to my house), Target had some good prices, but the best one was at Home Depot. The closest Home Depot store is actually only a block away from my house, which seemed perfect. Now I had to figure out a way to get the tree to my house. Instead of calling someone to ask to borrow a truck, like my Mom advised my to do, I took the back seats out of my little suv. I figured thats what they were made for, and it turned out to be quite easy. My plan would have worked out perfectly if it hadn't been for the "sold out" 9 ft. slim Douglas fir 800 light tree at Home Depot. No biggie. I went across the street to Target where my back-up tree waited for me. I had planed on a 7.5 ft. tree...but when I was there I found an 8 ft. with a 10 year guarantee. It was fifty dollars more than the 9 ft. I had originally wanted, but it came with a free $25 target giftcard. I picked up several other items that I needed: a Christmas cd, mini "marsh-pillows" (<~~~like when I was little), hot chocolate, and a door wreath. I was homeward bound. It was raining. If you have read my other blogs, you would remember that I recently washed my car. Im not one of those people who always have to have a clean washed car. In fact, im the exact opposite. If only I hadn't invested so much time, I would have been able to park my car and walk away. But I didn't. I actually got down and dried it off. It still looks good. :)
So, a little back story of what it is like to spend Christmas with me. I usually am the one to start to put up the tree. Every year my I would make my family turn off all t.v.'s in the house and put on Christmas music, and drink hot chocoalte, and assemble the tree. They hated me for it. I would decorate the outside of the house to look like a house right out of one of those cheesy Christmas movies. Complete with candy canes, gingerbread men, and a customized garden sign that let everybodys know that "The Silva's" live here. The past few years I have been busy, so we have not had a tree for some time (or at least a decorated one), but thats a different story.
This is my first year away from home, and in my very own house. I wanted to continue my little tradition, even if it is by myself. I set up my tree, and played Christmas music (for a while) and after I finsh this blog I am going to make a cup of hot chocolate and sit on my couch and enjoy my accomplishment. I must say that it looks beautiful. The colors are gold and purple. My favorite color is purple and anyone who knows me, knows that. Its only fitting that I have a purple tree. I have to figure out a way to make my kitties leave the tree alone. I think they think, its a great big toy for them. Another thing I realized is that the entire tree is from Target. I mean everything...the tree itself, the garland, and every ornament. It could be an photographed for an ad.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not to buy a tree. I haven't been doing so well with money lately. In fact, I owe a lot on a credit card. The money used to buy the tree would have been a great help to pay some of it off. I had to really think what about my decision. I wanted to buy the tree, but it would be "right" to but the money in the bank. Someone told me that I should do what I wanted. To do what made me happy. To be honest, both would have made me happy in its own way. When I woke up this morning, I made up my mind to buy the tree. I love Christmas. The last few years I haven't had a tree. I missed it. I realized that having a tree would make me happy, in a way that saving money couldn't.
....................It's now Sunday. I choose not to finish my blog for various reasons....but I am pleased to note, as I am washing clothes here at my parents house, my parents are out right now buying a Christmas tree! Looks like I inspired them. LOL...Im just happy, and thankful that they are getting into the holiday spirit together.
Other topics.....
I am an emotional person. I get angry and you know. I get sad and you know. My Mom tells me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't help it. I cry when I get angry. I don't think well when im hurt or angry. I react and then I step back and look at what I have done. It is something that I have tried to fix before, and I truly thought that I had gotten better. I know the right thing to do is to think before you react. I know this, but sometimes my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I sometimes think "why would anyone want to change this about me?" This is who I am. If I wasn't so emotional, would I be able to love, or care about people or issues as much as I do now? Would my heart over time, learn to become cold and bitter? I have often said "I wish I didn't care so much...because then it wouldn't hurt". I have thought about this over and over. Physical pain is your body's way of communicating with you. Then wouldn't emotional pain be your spiritual's way of letting you release and realize that you are in fact human? Isn't that what separates us from other lifeforms on this plant? Our emotions and our communication? If I had the choice to be over emotional or cold as ice, I would choose to be over emotional. Without a doubt. I love. I hurt. I get angry. I am happy. This is me, it always will be, ....and you know what?.....I hope it always is.
Today I went out and bought a Christmas tree. I recently got paid, so I finally had the money to do it. I had ornaments, garland, and a tree skirt that I had purchased a few months ago. All that was missing was a tree. Instead of going store to store to find the perfect tree, I did my homework online. I found that Lowes had higher prices but did offer a free home delivery service (which was benifical to me, seeing as I had no way to get the tree to my house), Target had some good prices, but the best one was at Home Depot. The closest Home Depot store is actually only a block away from my house, which seemed perfect. Now I had to figure out a way to get the tree to my house. Instead of calling someone to ask to borrow a truck, like my Mom advised my to do, I took the back seats out of my little suv. I figured thats what they were made for, and it turned out to be quite easy. My plan would have worked out perfectly if it hadn't been for the "sold out" 9 ft. slim Douglas fir 800 light tree at Home Depot. No biggie. I went across the street to Target where my back-up tree waited for me. I had planed on a 7.5 ft. tree...but when I was there I found an 8 ft. with a 10 year guarantee. It was fifty dollars more than the 9 ft. I had originally wanted, but it came with a free $25 target giftcard. I picked up several other items that I needed: a Christmas cd, mini "marsh-pillows" (<~~~like when I was little), hot chocolate, and a door wreath. I was homeward bound. It was raining. If you have read my other blogs, you would remember that I recently washed my car. Im not one of those people who always have to have a clean washed car. In fact, im the exact opposite. If only I hadn't invested so much time, I would have been able to park my car and walk away. But I didn't. I actually got down and dried it off. It still looks good. :)
So, a little back story of what it is like to spend Christmas with me. I usually am the one to start to put up the tree. Every year my I would make my family turn off all t.v.'s in the house and put on Christmas music, and drink hot chocoalte, and assemble the tree. They hated me for it. I would decorate the outside of the house to look like a house right out of one of those cheesy Christmas movies. Complete with candy canes, gingerbread men, and a customized garden sign that let everybodys know that "The Silva's" live here. The past few years I have been busy, so we have not had a tree for some time (or at least a decorated one), but thats a different story.
This is my first year away from home, and in my very own house. I wanted to continue my little tradition, even if it is by myself. I set up my tree, and played Christmas music (for a while) and after I finsh this blog I am going to make a cup of hot chocolate and sit on my couch and enjoy my accomplishment. I must say that it looks beautiful. The colors are gold and purple. My favorite color is purple and anyone who knows me, knows that. Its only fitting that I have a purple tree. I have to figure out a way to make my kitties leave the tree alone. I think they think, its a great big toy for them. Another thing I realized is that the entire tree is from Target. I mean everything...the tree itself, the garland, and every ornament. It could be an photographed for an ad.
I had a hard time deciding whether or not to buy a tree. I haven't been doing so well with money lately. In fact, I owe a lot on a credit card. The money used to buy the tree would have been a great help to pay some of it off. I had to really think what about my decision. I wanted to buy the tree, but it would be "right" to but the money in the bank. Someone told me that I should do what I wanted. To do what made me happy. To be honest, both would have made me happy in its own way. When I woke up this morning, I made up my mind to buy the tree. I love Christmas. The last few years I haven't had a tree. I missed it. I realized that having a tree would make me happy, in a way that saving money couldn't.
....................It's now Sunday. I choose not to finish my blog for various reasons....but I am pleased to note, as I am washing clothes here at my parents house, my parents are out right now buying a Christmas tree! Looks like I inspired them. LOL...Im just happy, and thankful that they are getting into the holiday spirit together.
Other topics.....
I am an emotional person. I get angry and you know. I get sad and you know. My Mom tells me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't help it. I cry when I get angry. I don't think well when im hurt or angry. I react and then I step back and look at what I have done. It is something that I have tried to fix before, and I truly thought that I had gotten better. I know the right thing to do is to think before you react. I know this, but sometimes my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I sometimes think "why would anyone want to change this about me?" This is who I am. If I wasn't so emotional, would I be able to love, or care about people or issues as much as I do now? Would my heart over time, learn to become cold and bitter? I have often said "I wish I didn't care so much...because then it wouldn't hurt". I have thought about this over and over. Physical pain is your body's way of communicating with you. Then wouldn't emotional pain be your spiritual's way of letting you release and realize that you are in fact human? Isn't that what separates us from other lifeforms on this plant? Our emotions and our communication? If I had the choice to be over emotional or cold as ice, I would choose to be over emotional. Without a doubt. I love. I hurt. I get angry. I am happy. This is me, it always will be, ....and you know what?.....I hope it always is.
Friday, December 1, 2006
Christmas Roses
My day started off in a rush. First of all I got up really really late. I jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, practically threw on clothes, and ran out the door. Luckily I had taken a shower the night before. Rushing.
Either way, Fridays in La Joya are not bad at all. Every other week is a skills test. On the days that the students are not testing, I like to give them a "catch up" day. It means that whoever was absent during the week (and so many of them are) get to ask questions and catch up to the point where the rest of the class is. This also gives me a chance to finish any paperwork or other errands I need to do. Today was a "catch up" day. I didn't get to choreograph the solos I had been scheduled to teach today, so I did that during passing periods. I know what your thinking. A dance teacher who makes up dances in-between classes? The dance must be either be A: Bad or B: Easy. I know, its horrible to wait to the last minute to make up something that someone is paying you do you. They depend on you so they can "win at Nationals" or "dance like an angel for their 15th birthday". I know. Sometimes I think I might do an even better job when I am being pressured. It's probably just an excuse, but that's what I believe. Rushing.
I also forgot that I "okay-ed" my classroom being used for this weekend Band UIL competition. The directors wanted to come and set up after school. They asked me on Monday, and I said of course knowing that Friday I usually book it out of La Joya as fast as I can. Only......that on Wednesday....I scheduled a private for that day. They both arrive at my door at exactly the same time. I explain to the director that I will only be 15 mins. I promise. I explain to Daisy that I will teach as fast as I can. She is really supposed to have an hours worth of time to learn the part that I was going to teach today. Again...rushing.
I wish I could say that I "rushed" home. Nope. It was as if the traffic was crawling particularly slowly today. I was lucky to have some company to make the time pass by.
So I got home and this is what makes my day. I walk inside my door and I see a familiar package on the kitchen counter. My housemate must have answered the door and brought them inside because the package was placed where we always leave stuff for each other. I am still on the phone when I open them. The smell hits me first ....roses. Roses always have the most distinct smell. A familiar vase is also in the package. It was meant to replace the one that Jasper broke. Now, let me explain.....the package was very deceiving....its was wrapped so tightly that I could pull out the bouquet with one hand. It had a very clever wrapping. The bouquet was assembled so that when you open it you would have to roll it out just like a roll of paint bushes or something. Each and every rose was placed so carefully and so thoughtfully. Every color was just right. Two complete roses of 12 roses lay in front of me. The pattern was amazing. It wasn't until Marty told me that they were Christmas Roses that I understood. They were meant to look like Christmas lights. And they did. Beautiful Christmas lights! 24 long stemmed roses!
I must add that I feel like I didn't deserve them....but it certainly made my day.
Either way, Fridays in La Joya are not bad at all. Every other week is a skills test. On the days that the students are not testing, I like to give them a "catch up" day. It means that whoever was absent during the week (and so many of them are) get to ask questions and catch up to the point where the rest of the class is. This also gives me a chance to finish any paperwork or other errands I need to do. Today was a "catch up" day. I didn't get to choreograph the solos I had been scheduled to teach today, so I did that during passing periods. I know what your thinking. A dance teacher who makes up dances in-between classes? The dance must be either be A: Bad or B: Easy. I know, its horrible to wait to the last minute to make up something that someone is paying you do you. They depend on you so they can "win at Nationals" or "dance like an angel for their 15th birthday". I know. Sometimes I think I might do an even better job when I am being pressured. It's probably just an excuse, but that's what I believe. Rushing.
I also forgot that I "okay-ed" my classroom being used for this weekend Band UIL competition. The directors wanted to come and set up after school. They asked me on Monday, and I said of course knowing that Friday I usually book it out of La Joya as fast as I can. Only......that on Wednesday....I scheduled a private for that day. They both arrive at my door at exactly the same time. I explain to the director that I will only be 15 mins. I promise. I explain to Daisy that I will teach as fast as I can. She is really supposed to have an hours worth of time to learn the part that I was going to teach today. Again...rushing.
I wish I could say that I "rushed" home. Nope. It was as if the traffic was crawling particularly slowly today. I was lucky to have some company to make the time pass by.
So I got home and this is what makes my day. I walk inside my door and I see a familiar package on the kitchen counter. My housemate must have answered the door and brought them inside because the package was placed where we always leave stuff for each other. I am still on the phone when I open them. The smell hits me first ....roses. Roses always have the most distinct smell. A familiar vase is also in the package. It was meant to replace the one that Jasper broke. Now, let me explain.....the package was very deceiving....its was wrapped so tightly that I could pull out the bouquet with one hand. It had a very clever wrapping. The bouquet was assembled so that when you open it you would have to roll it out just like a roll of paint bushes or something. Each and every rose was placed so carefully and so thoughtfully. Every color was just right. Two complete roses of 12 roses lay in front of me. The pattern was amazing. It wasn't until Marty told me that they were Christmas Roses that I understood. They were meant to look like Christmas lights. And they did. Beautiful Christmas lights! 24 long stemmed roses!
I must add that I feel like I didn't deserve them....but it certainly made my day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)