The last months of 2010

So I'm officially out for Thanksgiving break and I have been doing a lot of thinking. I recently had a birthday. Perhaps my birthday is what started all the thinking but lately I feel like I'm at a stand still in my life. I guess you can say that I have the "itch". I have always wanted a family. It has always been a dream. There are snapshots here and there where I picture myself picking up my daughter from dance class, or taking my kids on vacation, things like that. I wish on stars. And for the past few months I have found my wishes changing. I used to wish for love and marriage. There are times that I get so very frustrated and upset but then I force myself to think, re-analyze and focus.

A letter given to me today from a student....

I received this today during class and was told to read it later. I put it aside with the rush of teaching class and truthfully never gave it a second thought. As I was gathering my belongings to head on home I came across it under the plies of papers and my curiosity immediately struck. I dropped everything I was doing and opened it up to read through it. Words can not describe the feelings that came across as I read. I want to remember this always and so here I am writing it on my blog (which I only go to when things get rough... )so I can remind myself that there are kids worth teaching and days worth remembering. I am writing it just as it is on the paper, misspelling's and all :)

Sunday 19. 7:56

Ms. Silva

It's funny I had a crazy dream and I keep dreaming about the same thing. LOL Tell you later about my dream :)
I always wanted to thank you for all the ups & downs I've had with you. I've learned a lot from it and made me realize so many things. I'm glad your my teacher and my friend. I'm sorry I let you and the team down, and yet you still trust me. That means a lot to me, it won't happen again I PROMISE! I've seen that you put lots of hard work to your job. These are the teachers we need in life to inspire us now & then. You deserve the best, because you've earned it. Believe me when I say I consider you one of the few persons I trust. This would be my third year knowing you and its like if I've known you forever. That's how I know that the team & my director are like my family. Thank God we got a dance teacher like you. You never gave up on us even though times got very rough. You made us, what we've acomplished today we might not be the best team out there, but we sure do have the best teacher. Don't ever forget that!
Don't ever change!
<3 always
Valerie Lopez

Sorry I never got the time to thank you for everything!

Its funny though because its Sunday & I'm doing homework lol :D that's why its already 8:11 pm jeje

Summer Fun

Just like last summer I have started working out. I really have missed it. It is so much easier to wake up in the morning and start the day with a work out. I also started tumbling. It is the best exercise. After a week of running and different body workout with weights, I felt sore but it was nothing compared to a workout in the tumbling gym. I feel it in my abs, legs, and butt, which are the hardest to work out in the regular gym. Last year I lost 20 pounds throughout the entire summer which was awesome. I gained about 5 pounds throughout the school year, but it feels like a lot more. This year my goal is to lose 10-15 more pounds. It has been a challenge. I weigh my self every day twice a day. I have lost 0 pounds. Which is a little discouraging but I do feel stronger. The fact that I can still do a standing flip flop and I'm working on aerial is making me feel better with my strength and body.

This past Sunday was Father's Day. I wish I got to spend a little more time with my family but there was a lot of drama going on. My family on my Dad's side has been fighting a lot and it all started with something super small. All my life I have been accused of this. Making small things into big things. In fact just last night someone said that to me. It hurt a lot because I was just trying to communicate my feelings. I feel like if I don't speak up, then the things that bother me will just keep happening to me. The people that hurt me will just keep hurting me.

I colored my hair...actually my stylist did it. He went a really dark red. Its fading but this is the first time that I don't really like it. I have always trusted him because he has never made me look bad. But again someone told me that he didn't like it and that I look better with light hair. I wasn't thinking much of it until he told me this. I'm the kind of person that takes things to heart. It can be a good thing but it is also my downfall.

I have only gone to the beach once this summer. I plan to go a lot more, but I do want to feel comfortable with my body. All my life I have had body issues. I always feel so fat and overweight. I'm working really hard to fix that. Confidence is never something that I have been able to master.

I miss reading books. I haven't read a book this summer yet. Instead I have been painting and playing the Wii. I bought a summer video game. Alice in Wonderland. But I beat the game in a week. Without cheating I might add. It was fun but too easy. Now I'm bored again. Lol. I need a lot of distractions to occupy my thoughts, or else I think way too much.

I write a lot of my personal life in my hand written journals. But I enjoy writing in this online blog, and I should do it a lot more.

Have things actually changed?

I haven't written in a very long time. Its almost the end of the school year and so many things have happened in between my little break from writing. A friend brought up this blog to me and it reminded me how much I like to write.

I was asked once if i ever had "deep thoughts". I'd like to say that I had, but I truly don't know. And it scared me. A lot. I sometimes feel that I am so involved with the present and turn small things into big things, and let those things get me worried and worked up. It sucks to feel this way all the time and I have tried so very hard to fix it and undo the years of negative thinking, but it is very hard. There are very few people who really know me. Very few. I was once asked what I wanted out of life. I want what everyone else wants. I want someone to love. And for that person to love me back. I want a family, with kids. I want to travel and go on vacations. I want to grow old with my husband and see grandchildren. I don't want much. I don't need much.

I gave blood today. For the first time. I have tried several times but my iron is always too low. I have been taking vitamins for almost a year now and it is finally up. I saved a life today.

Tomorrow is Mother's day. We are supposed to go to the Echo Motel in Edinburg and have lunch there with all my family on my dad's side.

I travel to New Orleans next weekend for Homer's graduation. I'm looking forward to that but not to the week in front of it. Drill Team tryouts are this week, as well as the Choir Show. Everyone is working really hard. I am curious as to how many dancers I will have next year.

It's late and the only way I can stop my mind from panicking tonight is to go to sleep. I would use a sleeping pill but I want to wake up early tomorrow morning. I will strive to write more consistently.

November

It's November and we are halfway through the semester. I had a lot going on so that's why I haven't been writing. This Friday is my last football game. We play Mercedes and the middle schools are coming to dance with us. I am torn between the emotions of sadness, excitement, and relief. I will miss our seniors very dearly. I think I am getting used to being left behind and having to start the year all over again. It was a lot easier this year. I was definitely more prepared which is always a good thing.





I wish I could see a glimpse into the future. Wouldn't it be nice to see what your life is like in 10 years? I have been recording Flash Forward for the last few weeks but have not gotten a chance to see them. I really haven't been watching TV all that much. I have been reading a lot lately though. I finished two books in about a month. One Jodi Picoult book called Keeping Faith and the latest Nicholas Sparks book The Last Song. Both were good. I feel like if you have read one Jodi book you have read them all. I no longer cry anymore.



**Update



It is now Tuesday and the game went well. I have a new CD which I am sooo in love with. If you haven't seen Glee you must. The singing and dancing are amazing and the songs are all the ones you love. Get the soundtrack. Its a must have.



There is only 9 days before I leave to London. My sister has planned so much for us to do, I am so excited. I have never had "High Tea" before but I am willing to try anything.



*******I wrote this in November and it is now May. It was saved as a draft because it was unfinished. I decided to post it anyway. *******************

I must say... google... wow. Your that "interested" in me huh? Yes, I do hate you. Hate is a very strong word, but I choose it because, simply put.... I DO. Why can't you be a good girl and just stay away? People always say girls are "catty" and now I know why. There ARE girls out there that don't respect other girls and do as they feel. YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS.
I know you have read my blog. Did you like what you saw, you know, aside from that last entry? Did you try to read up and study so that you would have ammunition? Or were you really curious? I present this challenge to you. Stay away. I know that being the bigger person is hard for you. I know that you have never met me. I know you know that I hate you already, but I am asking you this. Stay away. No calls, no im's, no visits, no drinks, no stupid sister joining in. Just stay away.

Line Camp Day 3

They are finishing up their kick routine in the morning, and learning their hip hop in the afternoon. I guess yesterday they weren't just tired because this morning they are in the same mood. Since this is their third day that could be a factor. Today is the 12th and it always means something special to me. This month is extra special.

*Update later tonight