One year ago this happened... I wrote a letter, but never sent it.  I still feel the same.  Since then Jaycie has moved schools and is pretty happy.

My one regret:  Not sending this letter to the intended recipient.

I'm putting it out there today.

Mrs. Sanchez,

In regards to our exchange this morning I wanted to write you and hopefully allow my voice to be heard.

First of all let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I have been a teacher for La Joya ISD for 13 years now. I teach high school dance and drill team.  I have worked at one (high school) for 11 of those years.  I know a little bit about loyalty and in teaching drill team I have had more than my fair share of parent conferences.  Never, in my 13 years of teaching, have I ever spoken to a parent the way that you did to me this morning on December 14, 2018.  You were combative, dismissive and interrupted me every chance you got.  I went to you because a) as an educator I follow the chain of command and go to you first b) maybe, just maybe, I was wrong in my feelings and Jaycie wasn’t the only one excluded from her class c) I wanted to discuss with you how I felt.  I didn’t go in ready for an argument.  I was very much thrown off in how many excuses you presented and how dismissive you were right from the start.  You made me very angry and hurt when you said “I’m sorry, but….” To me that is not a sincere apology.  I expressed this to you the best way I could by comparing our “relationship” to any kind of relationship.  Husband to wife.  Friend to friend.   Parent to child.  Teacher to parent.  In any functional relationship there needs to be things in place to function properly.  There needs to be trust.  There needs to be communication.  There needs to be apologies that are sincere and meaningful.  I felt that today I didn’t not receive a meaningful apology from you.  You literally told me “I’m sorry you’re upset”.  In my book that is the worst way to apologize to someone.  Someone who you trusts you with her daughter every day.  Someone who will fight tooth and nail for her.  I don’t spend a lot of time with my daughter because of my job.  I worked all of football season from 6 am to 5 pm every day and sometimes on game days wouldn’t get home till past midnight.  IF you noticed almost all first semester my husband had to bring her to school.  I would pick her up and the car ride home is where I get to communicate with my daughter.  My ONLY daughter.  A few weeks ago she started telling me, “Mama, I want to be a speaker”.  I asked her what she meant.  She explained in the play she was not speaking.  This is around the time I sent my husband to speak to you.  He does not communicate the way that I would.  When he asked questions you told him that some students were chosen because they memorized the passages faster.  You neglected to tell him that EVERY SINGLE GIRL had a speaking role except Jaycie.  But then again, why would you think about this?  I actually did ask, how many speaking roles where there?  Was the whole class speakers?  How many girls in her class were angels?  Of course, my husband did not know these answers so he couldn’t respond.  Shame on me for not bringing my concerns to you first but then again you have never been warm or receptive or even come to the door to greet me when I drop her off.  Jaycie asked several times about being a speaker.  To me this, in hindsight, must have been the biggest red flag that she was being excluded.  Someone must have been saying … go over there with the other kids.  You’re an “angel” not a “speaker”.  Don’t sit here with your class they are speakers.  To do this to a child is wrong.  A 3 year old had a speaking role.  We have been attending agape for 3 years now.  This was probably his first year.  This will be Jaycie’s last year to be able to participate in the pre k Christmas program.  Do you know what it must have felt like for a parent to get advised to sit on the left side to better see your child and then to realize that that in itself was a lie.  Do you know what it feels like to drop off your child on the day of the pageant and to see every single girl in her class to be in beautiful red dresses and golden tiaras and Jaycie to be in a simple white leotard.  Do you know what it feels like to have your child be staged so that you couldn’t even see her because of her height as she walks across the stage because the girl that was downstage of her was taller?  Do you know what if feels like as a parent to have so many unhappy pictures of your child at the Christmas pageant?  Mainly because your child (for the short time of the concert) IS UNHAPPY?  No you don’t know what any of these feelings are because you probably have never experienced them.  If you had then you would have been more sensitive to the fact that what you did was bully a child.  Exclusion is a form of bullying.  And for it to come from an adult is appalling.  It broke my heart to see what my daughter meant by “speaker”.  For her to practice “Happy Birthday Jesus” every day in the car ride home only to learn it was a solo from a kid in her class. 

Did you ever stop to think of a solution?  Did you ever say.. Hey this kid has a speaking role AND a singing solo.  Maybe let the last girl in the pk4 class have the speaking part.  Or maybe create a new part?  Or perhaps let the 3 year old that welcomed everyone possibly do it next year.  And let Jaycie have her one and only fleeting moment in the sun?  No ….. Jaycie didn’t get that moment.  It was stolen from her because SOMEONE [YOU] assumed she wouldn’t be able to rise to the occasion.  Someone [YOU] assumed her potential and determined her lacking.  When we had our parent teacher conference I took to heart what you recommended.  We went home and posted numbers around the house to help our child learn her numbers.  We ALSO were delighted to hear that “Jaycie has a really good memory and always memorizes her bible verses” Didn’t you tell us this at the meeting?  I wish I had kept all those silly certificates that said she memorized the bible verses.  Because then you wouldn’t be able to use that as an argument.  Didn’t you say at the meeting that Jaycie loves to sing and dance?  Don’t you think it would have been cute had Jaycie sang the song.  I know she can.  Because I helped her every day.  Every. Single. Day.  Last year when Jaycie was instructed to buy a bunny costume for Christmas I admit... I was a little bit taken back.  Why a bunny in a Christmas concert.  I admit dropping her off that I was a little bit jealous of the other kids when I saw them all dressed up in tutus and tiaras because they were ballerinas and dolls and Jaycie was a bunny. …BUT when I saw the pageant.  I understood…… they all had their special parts to play and all had featured dances within those parts.  Would I have liked for her to look pretty in a ballerina costume?  Sure … but DAMN Jaycie was the best bunny there ever was and played the shit out of that role.  And I had next year to look forward to as a parent dressing my daughter up to be beautiful. 

I will be the first one, as a drill team director, to know and understand the concept of parts.  I deal with it every day.  I give my kids a piece... They take it home... Work on it on their own. Come back... Audition... If the child doesn’t get the part… well at least they had a fair chance.  Where was Jaycies fair chance?  Was the passage sent home to be memorized? No.  Did we get an opportunity to help our daughter succeed? No.

But right now it doesn’t even matter how many solutions we have come up with because it already happened... the damage has been done.

What bothers me more is how you have handled the situation and our conversation.  I’m going to be honest with you.. I don’t like you.  I don’t like how you have handled most situations and conversations that we have had.

I have looked at other schools and will determine the next course of action that best fits my daughter’s needs and wants. 

I hope, truly hope, that as a parent you never have to experience what I experienced this past week.

-Erika K. Gutierrez

Jaycie’s MAMA BEAR

Dance

i wish i kept up with this more.  I ended up putting Jaycie in dance.  I think the closer I become to graduation (this is my second year) the more I end up wanting to dance.  I took a balletfit class over the summer.. and Joe (my co-worker) asked me to dance a piece in his show.  It was awesome.  This will be Jaycie's first year performing in the nutcracker.  Her pictures came out adorable.  I stopped reading books since I started the program for Library Science (ironically) and then this semester I have a class called Literature for Children and Young adults.  I read 3 books a week and review them.  I never thought I would be able to read three a week.  It has definitely been a struggle but it has been so fun and I am learning so much.  In my other class I also have an awful partner that I have to work with.  She runs hot and cold and can be so rude but I guess I am getting experience with that kind of person.  It will only make me stronger.. right?  I'll try to update this more.  I love going back and reading stuff.



                                                                       Still no...

Books Books Books

Ok, so my current obsession is books.  It's been an obsession for a while now and I most recently applied for my masters in Library Science.  I want to become a librarian.  I figure I can't teach dance forever and how else can I make a living by screwing the things I love most into the ground?  Ok, so the last one was a little of a joke.... but not really.  I actually told my mom that if I never see another dance competition in my life I would be happy.  I haven't even put Jaycie in Dance.  I am so tired and so burnt out by 13 years of dance teaching.  I am actually dreading this upcoming year because it will be the 10 year reunion for the Silver Stars.  We should do something big but all I want to do is quit.  Seriously.  So to distract myself for a while I set a goal of 3 books a month.  I've read where some people read 50 in a year or even over 365 in a year.... I guess you can say I'm starting out small.  3 a month sounds good.  So far I am almost on track with the exception of one book.   "Carry On"  by Rainbow Rowell took so long to read partially because it was so slow to start.  I love the Harry Potter books and this one felt like a "knock-off" so it took me forever to read.  I started a new one called "The Hate u Give"  by Angie Thomas.  It was recommended by our librarian.

                                                                    trying

Bye Week

        We finally have a week off from football.  Going ten weeks through non-stop is so intense.  We usually do a new show for every home game.  This year I had to adjust and repeat a show.  Technically we were not home but it was still at our stadium so it felt like a repeat.  I was really just happy that we got through it.  Now it is our bye week and I have really enjoyed waking up at a normal time and taking Jaycie to school.  We had to do a fundraiser for her.  Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Apples and Pretzels.  She sold to 54 people for a total of $590 dollars.  Not bad for her first fundraiser.  Well... ok so it's not her first fundraiser ... last year we got bombarded with fundraiser after fundraiser and we were so busy that we kind of didn't participate in any of them.  I felt really bad, so this year I said I would try harder.  Luckily enough this is her first one for this year.  It doesn't look like there are going to be so many. 

       I haven't read any books since my last posting..which makes me kind of sad.  I have a book on hold at the library that I really need to go pick up, plus some books Jaycie and I need to return.  Maybe we can take a trip today.

       The library is fun but when only one parent goes it is hard to look for a book because the children's section is in a different section than the adults and that means she has to go to the "boring" part of the library.  The last time we were there Jaycie got in trouble for throwing a toy to another kid.  To be fair the other kid was showing her how to throw the toy and only Jaycie got caught doing it.  I had to get mad at her and say "You're not making good choices".  That's kind of her thing at the moment.  At school they are taught to make "good choices" and now we are using that against her.  She knows that a bad choice will have consequences and the good ones will lead to rewards.  I'm really happy with the school this year.  She seems happy and is learning a lot of things.  Just the other day she was showing me the parts of a book.  I know it sounds silly but how many of my high school kids know that the side of the book is called the "spine".  She is only 3 and she was telling me about the spine,  the title, the front, and the back.  I was so proud to hear her say all these things, especially because I love to read.  We read to her every night.  3 books a night.  They are small books but she always gets three books. 

                                                                                          frustrated because its been months  

Curiosity and the Cat

I'm sick.
Health wise.... I can't sleep and have to be up in less than four hours.  I went to the doctor today and got a shot and two antibiotic meds along with allergy meds.  Other than that I feel like almost nothing in my life has changed.  I still work at my high school and the drama remains.  I live day to day and still feel like a jumble of emotions all the time.  The only changes in my life are my family: My king and my princess.   My rock and my life force.  I swear I have never loved anything or anyone like I love Jaycie.  She brings joy, energy, playfulness, and smiles into my life.  I'm such a serious person about 95 percent of the time and she just brings me back from the darkness and cold when I need it.  I know I can't rely on her so I have been reading a lot lately.  I find I have an addictive personality to a certain extent... I will watch a show all the way through ... which btw a couple of my favorite shows have ended :( Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries.  I recently watched all seasons of Game of Thrones and after that moved to books.  I have read a three part series of The Selection, The Couple Next Door, and See Me ... while all 5 books were interesting in their own way I find that most were predictable and one was just downright written badly .. to the point that I didn't want to read her latest book that came out in August I believe.   Don't get me wrong, I could never write a book and would never presume I knew more about writing style than the author..  I guess it just wasn't my cup of tea.  I have a couple of others in my que ready to go and I am looking forward to those.

Feeling nostalgic and wanted to write to help clear my mind ..  missed it



                                                                        Unblocked

Rules of the Teacher Jungle

Rule #234
If snack machine is empty, anything is fair game

I stole a snack from a teachers box today :(
It was left there since teachers appreciation week.
There were no more snacks in the machine so I was forced to steal it.

Cake Smash Photo Shoot... One Year Later

Well I know this is sort of late but I wanted to get as much of my experience down as possible.  I want to remember everything that I went through and the only way to do that is to write it down.  I must warn the reader though.... this will be graphic.  If you don't want to read about one woman's labor and delivery then close the blog... read something else.

It all started on April 29, 2014 when I had a routine check up at my doctor's office.  I had high blood pressure and before I know it, I was told to go to triage at DHR.  I stayed for a little over 3 hours.  I was monitored, and given a really long sonogram to determine if everything was OK.  I got sent home, but was told to monitor my BP and take a 24 hour urine test to determine if the proteins in my urine were high.  I was scheduled for another office visit on Thursday of that week.  I actually went to school on Wednesday and had one of our last performances for the Hair show for our school.  The next day I went to my appointment and my BP was a little high but not high enough to be worried.  I turned in my urine that morning so I knew results wouldn't be in that day.  I was told that we were going to make "a Plan".  "The Plan" was that if the results from the urine test came back high that we would induce on Monday May 5th... if they were normal then we would keep our appointments of twice a week and keep monitoring.  I was told to call the next day for results.
I did... around 9 in the morning (because I know that's when the technicians get there) and I was told all were busy and that they would call me back.  I waited ....
and waited....
and waited....
finally I couldn't wait any longer and called again at 11:00 am.... Still they were busy and I was told that they had the note there and when they got time that they would call me.
So I waited more...
.....
....
The whole time I was trying to wash all of Jaycie's clothes so that she could have something to come home in if need be.  Let me tell you... it is crazy the amount of "tags" and fasteners baby clothes have.  In order to wash everything the little plastic fasteners had to come off.  That alone is frustrating... so you can just imagine what kind of state I was in when I finally called back at 2:30 in the afternoon.
I was told they were all busy yet again but this time ... I insisted that I speak to someone and that I would wait on the line until someone was free.
I waited around 10 minutes until a technician finally came to the phone.  She took all of 2 seconds to look at her computer and tell me that the results were not in yet and that they should be here by Monday.  Monday!  I started to freak out.... how could I go all weekend long and not know whether or not I was going to be induced that week.  I had to notify work.  I had to finish Jaycie's room.  Not to mention the 5 hour class that Mike and I had to take that Saturday on labor and delivery.  We got into a small argument and it ended with me insisting to speak to the doctor.  Well I waited another 45 minutes and when she got on the phone she promised that she would call me on Saturday to tell me results and our plan, and if the results were not in by then, then she would call Sunday as well.
....
Did I get any phone call?
nope... and I really didn't expect to get a phone call anyways... I knew she was just telling me that to shut me up, but it's OK... Mike and I did as much as we could (which included, buying and installing blinds, a fan, and anything else we needed to finish her room) and I went to school Monday morning and tried to do as much as possible in one morning to figure out what loose ties I had to make.

I went to the appointment on May 5th at 4:15 in the afternoon.  Just when I was going in to check my vitals the stupid nurse asks if the doctor called me on Saturday and that she was responsible for reminding her to call me.  Needless to say that made my BP rise and low and behold I was ordered to be induced that evening.  I called my parents and Mike drove me to DHR.  I was admitted pretty fast because we had pre-registered that Saturday at the class.  Soon I was laying in the bed that I unknowingly would spend the next 3 days in the most uncomfortable experience known to a woman.

Here is where it gets detailed and graphic.  So look away if you have a weak stomach.

No one tells women the details of labor.... Oh they think they do... we saw videos, we were coached.  The videos lie.  They paint a beautiful picture of different kinds of deliveries where women are walking and their husbands loving rub their back or coach their breathing.  The videos show different scenarios of medications and whatnot and in the end the families leave together to embark on their wonderful journey. 
No one tells you what can go wrong.  What happens if you're induced... what happens if your baby has to go into N.I.C.U.  .... well here it is
First they "check you"  to see if you are dilated at all.  Of course you're not because your body is not ready to have a baby, you're being induced.  Now "check you" means that a nurse shoves her fingers inside you and you feel pain like never before.  I have had sex before.. hell, that's kinda how I got in this position in the first place...but nothing is more painful than being "checked"....
Since you're no where near being dilated, the process is taking a pill that contains prostaglandins being cut in to four pieces and inserted your vagina in order to thin out your cervix.  This medication helps to "ripen" the cervix.  Small pills called Misoprostol are placed in the vagina every few hours... for the first hour you can't get out of bed... not even to pee.  So since I had to have an IV AND I was pregnant this complicated things a bit.  I would hold it until the moment I could get up and out of bed.  Every time they put in another pill I would be "checked", and then they would try to get up as high as they could to put in the stupid pill.  I did one round of this ... 4 pills, 2 different nurses, 1 whole day, and when they went to "check" I was still at 1 cm dilation.  Doctor said lets take a break, let you eat, and start again.  The entire time I was being monitored and vitals were taken so much that the blood pressure cuff was permanently attached to my arm.  2nd round of Misoprostol and still I think the highest I got to was 2 cm dilated.  It was then that the doctor decided to break my water.  This was around 2pm on Wednesday.... Remember that I was admitted and started the induction process on Monday.  Breaking my water really got the ball rolling.  They also used Pitocin: This drug mimics the hormone oxytocin, which signals your uterus to begin contracting. It can be used to get labor started or rev up sluggish contractions. I started to feel the contractions more.  I was having small contractions from the beginning but I couldn't feel them.  Now I really was feeling them.  I asked to have the epidural at 4 cm.  I wanted to try to wait until 5 or more because that was the advice I got from most people.  The nurse warned that it takes a while for the doctor that performs the epidurals to come.  So that's why I asked for it then, and sure enough the nurse was right, it took a while.  When he did come he couldn't get it the first time, so he had to go higher up my spine.  I'm still not sure it was correctly administered because I could still feel things that they would do down there, just not the contractions.  This was probably around 4 o'clock on Wednesday.  After the epidural I really couldn't get out of bed.  I had to have a catheter.  It still feels strange when I pee.  The contractions did their work and by the time I knew it, I was 8 cm dilated.  Around 7 we started the actual labor, meaning we were pushing, and constantly being checked.  By now I had already gone through 4 nurses and now we had a nurse named Felicidad.  I have to give her credit.  She is the one that got me through labor....  Even though I hate her...still....lol.  She tried all the techniques.  She had me holding towels, holding bars, grabbing my legs, rubbing my back, the whole works.  She was not afraid to get mad at me and at one point told me I couldn't cry...because if I cried then I couldn't push.  I still hear her in her Spanish accent telling me to "push, push, push, push".  It haunts my dreams...j/k.  Let me tell you that delivering a baby is nothing like the movies.  There is no doctor.  Not yet anyways.  They don't page the doctor till hours later.  It's just you and that nurse.  When she finally does page the doctor .. it becomes a show... with a stage ... complete with spot lighting.  Tons of people show up.  In my case, there were more complications.  I started to have blood in my urine.  I spiked a fever.  A baby is supposed to be born in an anterior  position.  If your baby is in a head-down position, with the back of her head slightly towards the front of your tummy (anterior position), your labor is likely to be shorter and easier. In an anterior position, your baby fits snugly into the curve of your pelvis.  Most babies get into this position by the end of pregnancy.  Of course mine didn't.  A posterior position is where your baby has her head down, but the back of her head is against your spine. By the time labor starts, about one baby in 10 is in this back-to-back or posterior position.  That's where mine was.  So because of that the doctor had to use the ventouse (vacuum extractor), that has a cup attached to a suction device, and a handle to pull on. The cup fits on top and towards the back of your baby's head, and a vacuum is created within the cup.  She also took her first bowel movement before she came out so the doctors were afraid of sepsis.  And to top it  she was born with her umbilical cord around her neck.  As soon as her head was out the doctor cut her cord.  Jaycie Marie Gutierrez was born at 11:44 pm on May 7th 2014.  She weighed 6 lbs 1 oz and she was 19 inches long.  After she was born, she was placed on my chest for a full 2 minutes and then she was swept away.  Afterwards, I had to be sewn up.  I was super thirsty too.  Felicidad got mad that I started to drink a powerade.  I was only allowed water and tea.  Jaycie was in the N.I.C.U. for 5 days.  I was there at almost every feeding.  She had to have a feeding tube inserted and was only having a bottle every 6 hours.  I couldn't drive, so I was dependent on having someone take me to the hospital to see her.  Oh yeah, that's another thing... that pretty little picture where a family goes home together didn't happen.  I went home baby less.  It was the saddest experience a mother could endure.  I wanted the perfect picture.  But life isn't perfect and my delivery certainly wasn't either.  I also spent mother's day visiting my daughter in N.I.C.U.  Then she came home.  Even though her labor and delivery was long and flawed ...she isn't ....she is perfect.  A beautiful princess...an angel sent from heaven...she is mine. 

Snoop

OK.... so first I have to admit I did something bad ... out of curiosity but still bad :(

Some background before I explain. 

I have drill team officer tryouts today.  I'm actually not allowed to be in the room during tryouts so I'm stuck here in my office.  My mom decided to charge her phone on my computer so it's here sitting in front of me. 

It rings with a text message and out of curiosity I guess the pass code and start to snoop.  Nothing bad just looking at the sent message first and then I start to scroll the rest of the messages.  I come across my dads messages.  I open them because I see it has my name in it.  It talks of going to dinner with Mike and I the previous night... but then I start to scroll up....and tears start welling up in my eyes.  I'm not too sure if its the hormones because I'm eight months pregnant now, but I read such beautiful messages to each other.  Things like "Love you baby!!!" and responses like "Rough day, I needed that!!!  Love you more!!!".  My parents have been married for 33 years now and the way they still treat each other is inspiring.  My picture on my phone for when they call is actually them holding hands when they thought no one was looking.  My one wish in life was that I would find a man that would treat me the way I saw the way my father treated my mother.  He loved her and still loves her more than I could possibly explain.  He never told her no when it came to generosity.  He showered her with praise on the way she would dress us (when we were little) and then again when she was constantly involved with our extracurricular activities (when we were older).  Yes they had some fights here and there but then again who doesn't?  I believe its healthy (when both parties respect one another)  to disagree and then to work to resolve the situation. 

If you know a little about me then you know that I waited until I was 31 to get married.  To some that might be normal but to many that is a bit long.  Well, like I said, I was waiting to find the perfect guy.  The guy that would treat me like a princess.  The guy that I would compare (in a good way) to my father.  I did.  I found him and he is a beautiful soul.  I believe we complete one another in many ways.  He is comical and I am serious.  He is patient, and I could use some of that.  He is always late.  I run five minutes ahead of schedule.  The list goes on and on but what I want now is for Jaycie to see the love.  I want my daughter to hold her standards high.  We all want what's best for our children.  I really believe that the path to make that happen is to set the example.  I know we love each other.  I know it in my heart.  We express love all the time.  I think deep down we will show Jaycie our love, but I would still like to make a conscious effort.

39 More Days To Go!!!

An Experience Like No Other

Silver Stars Showtime Nationals Competition 2014 

Silver Stars Bonding

Galveston, TX





This past weekend the JLHS Silver Stars competed at the Showtime Nationals Competition at Moody Gardens in Galveston, Texas.  It was a tough, long competition that lasted for 2 days.  We left Mission around 12:30 am....got to Galveston around 8 am started competing at 9 am and didn't finish until 10:00 pm.  We went to the hotel and slept very little because everyone had to be up and ready to compete again by 7:30 am.  We finished at 11:30 am, finally got to sit at a real table and eat, then walked it off for an hour at the "sea wall".  That part was actually fun...went back for a 2 hour awards show.  We ended up with four 1st place trophies:  2 from officers, 2 from team.  One 2nd place trophy from officers and one 3rd place trophy from team.  Overall we came in 2nd place in our division.  I think this was outstanding considering it was our first time at this competition and having so many teams in our division.  The stars were a little disappointed.  They asked to see scores and wanted to know how much they lost by.  Little do they know that the team that won has had years and years of experience along with a whole team of parents and family members who would go and set up props and backdrops.  This team had money and you could tell each one had outside training.  This team never stopped practicing.  They practiced in the halls, and it wasn't the director that was making them do it...it was the officer(s).  They called out the counts for the kids, they kept them in line, and they ended up winning.  Our girls looked tired and shaky.  They slept and ate (the wrong foods) all the time and were always sitting down ...even on deck.  To me those aren't signs of winners.  I told them repeatedly to get up, to practice, to stretch, but since they see the officers lounging, the team continued to follow. 

Anyways, our adventure was worth it.  I wanted the team to see what it was like being little fish in a big pond.  They have always been the top dogs for the past few years but that is because we have never been to a huge competition like this one.  It was always one day competitions.  Now they know if they want to compete they have to practice, and if they want to win... practice harder.

 

Now I can focus on the next few things in my life.  The tipsy canvas girls night out.  My baby shower, and the actual having a baby girl.  Everything seemed so far away before and now that this hurdle is jumped I feel like these things are right around the corner.   

 

 

56 Days to Go!!!!

Jaycie Marie

That's what we have decided to call her.... Jaycie Marie.
She is more loved than any other little girl on the face of the earth... and she still isn't even born yet.
Mike has been busy painting her room the colors we picked out together.  We decided to go with a light pink and a soft grey color scheme, accented with white.  He has done a good job so far.  Next is pulling out the carpet and installing wood flooring in her room.  Her grandmother and grandfather went shopping this past weekend.  She now has a horse on a stick from the King Ranch and a beautiful embroidered blanket with elephants on it.  That's the theme of her room.  Elephants.  Baby Mine has always touched my heart.  When I was little, I loved the movie Dumbo and the part where he visits his momma in jail and she rocks him always made me cry. 

I have been thinking a lot about what kind of parent I would like to be.  I imagine I'll be the strict one, and Mike will be the "fun" one.  My students have always said that they would feel sorry if I ever had any children because I would be so strict.  This is true.  My parents were strict with me and oh, I could tell you story after story, but to be fair... they are the best role models any girl could ever ask for.  I look around and see other families and their situations.  Broken homes, single parenting, all the way to silver spoon children who grow up rotten.  I am very lucky that my parents showed me a solid marriage built with good foundations.  I didn't get married more than once, I didn't have children out of wedlock, and I bought my own house at 23.  I have had and kept a steady job for almost 10 years now.. and all of that comes from the example that my parents have shown me.  If nothing else I hope I am a good role model for Jaycie.  I hope that she can aspire to be the type of woman I have become.  Because in some small ways... I think that all daughters grow up to be like their mothers.  For that I am grateful and truly blessed.  My mother is beautiful.  She is strong, capable, smart, kind, loving, generous and honestly my best girlfriend.  If I am one ounce like her I feel proud.  I hope that Jaycie can one day speak of me the way I see my mother. 

On a lighter note.... Pinterest and Etsy are my addictions as a mother.  I can say that not only does the Pinterest board give me ideas... I can say that I am incorporating them in my everyday life.  I see something on Pinterest, I look for it on Etsy and then I buy it... or make it happen.  I'll post some pictures on this blog ... I can't wait to finish her room so I can take some "after" pictures.  We took before ones and man are they sick.  Like literally the room makes you sick to be in there, but it's getting better everyday. 

90 more days to Go!!!

It's a girl!!!!

I need to start looking for baby names. 
I really like Katerina, Ella, Grace, and Everly..... anyone have some ideas?  I would really appreciate the input:)

Bad Morning

I know there are a lot of people out there that have it so much harder than I, but this is just a little recap of my "bad morning"

I have been going to sleep pretty early.  I guess I have been sleeping pretty deep considering I didn't hear the 4 texts around 11 last night.  I'm one of those people that checks out fb and email before getting out of bed.  Well I open the texts and I am appalled by what a loved one has written.  I get mad, hurt, sad, offended all at the same time.  First, because I still feel like I am in high school... sending text messages instead of communicating like adults.  Second, because of the context and Third, because I'm pregnant and all these hormones are making me feel things that I don't really know how to deal with. 

Instead of ranting about what was discussed, I want to use this post to analyze how I dealt with it. 

Being the emotional person I am, wrote a text out of anger.  None of it was malicious but brutally honest.  As soon as I finished I read both messages out loud to my husband.  Not getting the reaction I wanted, I called my dad.  Yes, I am a "daddy's girl" and if anyone gives good advice it's him.  By that time, I was in tears.  I have never been one of those girls that could come up with a smart comeback off the top of my head and my emotions make things way worse, so it took my dad a while to figure out what I was saying.  He advised not to send the text, and to keep the peace in the family.  I know, that by just calling him, that that's what I was going to do anyway, but I guess I still needed to hear it.  I didn't respond, but I am also not going to call either.  I am going to try to be the bigger person.  Yes, I'm ranting here but I truly believe that this is a healthy outlet.  My husband was really supportive when I got off the phone.  My only wish is that he would have talked it over with me so that I didn't have to run to my dad. 

That was just part 1

Instead of letting everything get to me, I decide to get ready for school and leave for work earlier so that I could stop and get breakfast.  There is a new McDonald's on the way to work and I have been craving a sausage biscuit combo with juice.  I take off with more time that I needed.  I order and am on my way.  I start eating the hash brown on the way to work because when I get there I won't have time to eat because I have morning duty.  As I get to the sausage biscuit, I notice its a lot lighter than it should be.  I open it up to find...... NOTHING.  It's empty and it is nothing but a biscuit.  Not even jelly or honey to go with it.  I look at the receipt to make sure I ordered correctly and yes it says sausage biscuit.  I decide to call and complain.  (keep in mind, I'm already upset) The phone just rings and rings.  I decide to call the "comment line"  on the top of the receipt and I end up speaking to a very friendly Chevrolet dealership secretary.  She says she has been getting so many calls because of this mistake.  So much for trying to complain.  I am determined to get a hold of someone from that McDonald's even if I have to go in and talk to the manager and complain because of the number on the receipts.  You don't mess with a pregnant woman's breakfast after she has had a shitty morning. 

Here is a picture of the receipt.   

The Baby that cries loudest gets the bottle

So for about 4 weeks I had a phone at work.... HAD.

Totally sucks that I have to give it up but so be it.  I still have my Internet phone!  So I guess I'm still "winning"  LOL

Today we have one of our last home games.  It was supposed to be homecoming but it was postponed so the homecoming committee could have enough time to prepare.

My Silver Stars will be dancing today!  It is a repeat but every time they step onto the field I still get nervous.  They have been doing really well so I'm not that scared.  I just hope everything goes as well as last week. 

My birthday was this past Saturday.  Mike showed up on my Friday game with the sweetest roses and purple flowers.  I have to use this post to express how much I am in love with this man.  He is my everything.  Who else would go to ALL of my games just to support me and the team?  He has made me so incredibly happy.... I used to think that I would never get to this point in my life and if you read my other posts, you kinda get it.... but he is the real deal.  There are times when he infuriates me but it never lasts for long.  He took me to the movies on Saturday to the new "Bistro" theater in Edinburg.  We saw "Gravity", and I thought it was awesome.  I was a little skeptical because I didn't know how an hour and a half movie with just one person floating in space would turn out, but it was good.  We also went to our church's kermese and after celebrated with family at the Republic of the Rio Grande.  It was one of my best birthdays ever!

"The Nine"

It's here.  The time in my life that I have envisioned since before I can remember.  BTW.. to update you.. we got married and have celebrated a year anniversary since my last post.  Mike and I are really happy.  I'm still working at Juarez with my beloved Silver Stars and Mike and his Summit Ambulance Company are doing really well. 

So far the year has had its ups and downs but nothing can compare to one of the biggest ups.  I won't go too far into detail as things are still really early.  The downs have really sucked though.  I recently had a "fight", "argument", "disagreement" with one of my ex-students.  Mind you I love all my students very dearly and have become so close to some that I consider good friends now.  This was just one that I thought I would be friends with down the road.  Turns out I was very wrong.  A lot of drama surrounded her during her four years here in drill team and I was always supportive of her.  I kinda knew that she could be misunderstood a lot of the time and she was still growing as a person.  I gave her a lot of slack.  I thought drama would end when she left and it would just be normal.... Boy was I wrong.  Turns out some of her high school friends turned to me to let her know that her bf was cheating on her.  Me, being the caring "friend" I am, thought that she would somehow at least listen to what I had to say.  Once again, wrong as ever.  I not only got the cold shoulder I got some disturbing texts next day from the bf's mom!  WTF!  I was so angry and felt so betrayed that I vowed never to talk to this little girl again.  She tried to contact me through email and later confronted me at a game.  I heard her out and don't believe anything she has to tell me.  She said she didn't know until days later that the mother text me, but since high school drill team girls knew and told me she knew I know that is a lie.  Besides, if you found out someone else committed a wrong, the first thing you would do would be to apologize right away on behalf of the other person.  Right?  Or at least try to make things right... and I don't mean a week later.  OH WELL... I learned that students don't always make friends later in life.  During the same week I had an altercation with one of the secretaries.  It was like beat up on Erika week.  lol... It's OK... because I pulled through. 

Things with my family have been going great.  My sister got married and my poor parents had to throw two weddings in about one year.  But, OMG was it soooo worth it.  She got married in the the countryside of London.  We all went up, got to know Simon's beautiful family and then got to celebrate practically three days.  It was like a fairy tale come true and I got to be apart of it. 

I'm looking forward to the next day off from school.  I'm so tired throughout the day.  I have really good classes this year.  Of course there is that one problem kid in about every class but so far they keep to themselves. 

Other than that my school year has started off to a great start.  We just finished up with six weeks grades and we are moving right along.  Till next time.

June Wedding

I didn't plan it that way... it just happened.


As my love snores away, I'm writing tonight because I just can't seem to get to sleep. It's so strange... I'm exhausted everyday, and then BAM, I can't sleep because there is so much in my head.


I wanted to start writing again for two reasons. ONE: I'm engaged! I thought this would be a nice way to document the little things that happen when planning my wedding. I have been waiting a lifetime to plan a wedding and truth be told, no matter what I say, I am so very excited to be planning it. You can also go to http://www.mikeanderika.ourwedding.com/ to find our details and wedding party info.


TWO: Writing has always been an outlet for me and with my stress levels at an all time high, what better way vent. I'm still painting as well, except Mike and I do it together. Well, we took a class together. It was so fun. The place in McAllen is called the Tipsy Canvas and I would highly recommend it to anyone that is looking for a night out with drinks and creative fun. We can't wait to go back.


I tried to do most of the wedding planning during the summer, for the simple fact that I would be too busy during football season to get anything done. So far I have proven my theory correct. The things that I have checked off my list is: Wedding dress, church, reception, photo booth, photographer, invitations, and music(DJ and guitar player). There is still so many things to get done: Bridesmaids dresses, flowers, cake, ceremony music, and all the small details.


I have some of the details taken care of: Grooms gift, fathers gift, bridal shower favors(ongoing), rings, garter, and cake topper.


I pretty much have a cake picked out, I just need to go and place the order. Same as well for the flowers.


The bridal dresses are giving me the most problems only because my mother and I can't seem to come to an agreement. I want short. She wants long. I think we will have to compromise and get something in the middle because this is something that I feel really strongly about.


When we first got engaged, Mike and I spoke of a wedding in December. We knew we loved each other and wanted to be married as soon as possible. We both want children. We also thought that 6 months would be more than enough time to plan... but we were wrong. We opted for March but everywhere that I called for a reception was booked. As luck would have it, if we changed our date yet again, then the reception hall we originally wanted would help us out.


That's how we got our reception hall.


Mike's sister Ana, my mom, and I went to look for the perfect wedding dress. We took a Friday in the summer and practically went to every bridal store in the McAllen - Mission area. After trying on numerous dresses and getting a slight rope burn on my back from all the corsets, I narrowed it down to three. As the weeks went on I narrowed it down to 1 and went and made a deposit on the gown that I will be walking down the isle in.


There are still many things to be written about and I hope I can keep a steady blog about the happiest time in my life. I love Mike with all my heart and can't wait to be called Mrs. Gutierrez :)

The last months of 2010

So I'm officially out for Thanksgiving break and I have been doing a lot of thinking. I recently had a birthday. Perhaps my birthday is what started all the thinking but lately I feel like I'm at a stand still in my life. I guess you can say that I have the "itch". I have always wanted a family. It has always been a dream. There are snapshots here and there where I picture myself picking up my daughter from dance class, or taking my kids on vacation, things like that. I wish on stars. And for the past few months I have found my wishes changing. I used to wish for love and marriage. There are times that I get so very frustrated and upset but then I force myself to think, re-analyze and focus.

A letter given to me today from a student....

I received this today during class and was told to read it later. I put it aside with the rush of teaching class and truthfully never gave it a second thought. As I was gathering my belongings to head on home I came across it under the plies of papers and my curiosity immediately struck. I dropped everything I was doing and opened it up to read through it. Words can not describe the feelings that came across as I read. I want to remember this always and so here I am writing it on my blog (which I only go to when things get rough... )so I can remind myself that there are kids worth teaching and days worth remembering. I am writing it just as it is on the paper, misspelling's and all :)

Sunday 19. 7:56

Ms. Silva

It's funny I had a crazy dream and I keep dreaming about the same thing. LOL Tell you later about my dream :)
I always wanted to thank you for all the ups & downs I've had with you. I've learned a lot from it and made me realize so many things. I'm glad your my teacher and my friend. I'm sorry I let you and the team down, and yet you still trust me. That means a lot to me, it won't happen again I PROMISE! I've seen that you put lots of hard work to your job. These are the teachers we need in life to inspire us now & then. You deserve the best, because you've earned it. Believe me when I say I consider you one of the few persons I trust. This would be my third year knowing you and its like if I've known you forever. That's how I know that the team & my director are like my family. Thank God we got a dance teacher like you. You never gave up on us even though times got very rough. You made us, what we've acomplished today we might not be the best team out there, but we sure do have the best teacher. Don't ever forget that!
Don't ever change!
<3 always
Valerie Lopez

Sorry I never got the time to thank you for everything!

Its funny though because its Sunday & I'm doing homework lol :D that's why its already 8:11 pm jeje

Summer Fun

Just like last summer I have started working out. I really have missed it. It is so much easier to wake up in the morning and start the day with a work out. I also started tumbling. It is the best exercise. After a week of running and different body workout with weights, I felt sore but it was nothing compared to a workout in the tumbling gym. I feel it in my abs, legs, and butt, which are the hardest to work out in the regular gym. Last year I lost 20 pounds throughout the entire summer which was awesome. I gained about 5 pounds throughout the school year, but it feels like a lot more. This year my goal is to lose 10-15 more pounds. It has been a challenge. I weigh my self every day twice a day. I have lost 0 pounds. Which is a little discouraging but I do feel stronger. The fact that I can still do a standing flip flop and I'm working on aerial is making me feel better with my strength and body.

This past Sunday was Father's Day. I wish I got to spend a little more time with my family but there was a lot of drama going on. My family on my Dad's side has been fighting a lot and it all started with something super small. All my life I have been accused of this. Making small things into big things. In fact just last night someone said that to me. It hurt a lot because I was just trying to communicate my feelings. I feel like if I don't speak up, then the things that bother me will just keep happening to me. The people that hurt me will just keep hurting me.

I colored my hair...actually my stylist did it. He went a really dark red. Its fading but this is the first time that I don't really like it. I have always trusted him because he has never made me look bad. But again someone told me that he didn't like it and that I look better with light hair. I wasn't thinking much of it until he told me this. I'm the kind of person that takes things to heart. It can be a good thing but it is also my downfall.

I have only gone to the beach once this summer. I plan to go a lot more, but I do want to feel comfortable with my body. All my life I have had body issues. I always feel so fat and overweight. I'm working really hard to fix that. Confidence is never something that I have been able to master.

I miss reading books. I haven't read a book this summer yet. Instead I have been painting and playing the Wii. I bought a summer video game. Alice in Wonderland. But I beat the game in a week. Without cheating I might add. It was fun but too easy. Now I'm bored again. Lol. I need a lot of distractions to occupy my thoughts, or else I think way too much.

I write a lot of my personal life in my hand written journals. But I enjoy writing in this online blog, and I should do it a lot more.

Have things actually changed?

I haven't written in a very long time. Its almost the end of the school year and so many things have happened in between my little break from writing. A friend brought up this blog to me and it reminded me how much I like to write.

I was asked once if i ever had "deep thoughts". I'd like to say that I had, but I truly don't know. And it scared me. A lot. I sometimes feel that I am so involved with the present and turn small things into big things, and let those things get me worried and worked up. It sucks to feel this way all the time and I have tried so very hard to fix it and undo the years of negative thinking, but it is very hard. There are very few people who really know me. Very few. I was once asked what I wanted out of life. I want what everyone else wants. I want someone to love. And for that person to love me back. I want a family, with kids. I want to travel and go on vacations. I want to grow old with my husband and see grandchildren. I don't want much. I don't need much.

I gave blood today. For the first time. I have tried several times but my iron is always too low. I have been taking vitamins for almost a year now and it is finally up. I saved a life today.

Tomorrow is Mother's day. We are supposed to go to the Echo Motel in Edinburg and have lunch there with all my family on my dad's side.

I travel to New Orleans next weekend for Homer's graduation. I'm looking forward to that but not to the week in front of it. Drill Team tryouts are this week, as well as the Choir Show. Everyone is working really hard. I am curious as to how many dancers I will have next year.

It's late and the only way I can stop my mind from panicking tonight is to go to sleep. I would use a sleeping pill but I want to wake up early tomorrow morning. I will strive to write more consistently.